(This was originally posted in the megathread and one of the mods asked that I make this its own thread, and more importantly my gf liked this so :che-poggers: )

I gotta say I love Shark Tank, easily my favorite comfort show right now. I didn't have TV since I was 13ish so like, I didn't even know what the show was about until my girlfriend showed me. It is the most damning indictment of capitalism I've ever seen, to the point where it loops around to amazing. "I'm going to go on TV and beg the lowest scum of the earth to invest $50,000 into my butt tail lights company while I get my niece to shake her ass in front of the camera " is an actual fucking thing that happens. In that same episode, the greasiest man alive tried to sell perfume that smelled like money ( Mr Krabs shit ), and justified his affront to god by saying "the Japanese put this scent into their vents at workplaces to increase productivity". Oh and, of course, he was flanked by two models who had nothing to do with the product whatsoever, said nothing and existed just to be eyehumped by the shoggoths he's trying to fleece and the audience.

This shouldn't shock anyone, but if there is a chance that a woman can be objectified on this show in the most blunt way possible, you better believe they'll take it. Mike Pence has a healthier relationship to women than this show. Very frequently when this happens, it'll be someone related to the person making the pitch, like a niece or a daughter.

Plus there's so many times when people come on the show and hamper their own success in the market because of shit like "I want to keep jobs in the US", which like, sure, I get why they say that, but there's never any talk of why jobs went overseas, what happened to our manufacturing, why this support domestic brands shit doesn't work, or even the fact that these goobers just want to pay US workers $7.26 so they can get rich off of their stupid fucking inventions. You get to watch in real time as these reactionary pricks ram head first into the contradictions of capital, and when investors rightfully ask "why do I give a fuck about the remnants of your soul? I'm here to make money", they have nothing, it's like scruffing a ferret.

God these things suck so fucking hard by the way, there's been less than five that I've seen that I was like "ok, yeah, this has actual use to another human's life" and the rest are just "Give me money so I can drill a hole in your fucking brain or something iunno". Just monuments to the excess of capital. There was a recent episode where, during the pandemic and after closing their first store, these two people wanted to open a (second) restaurant that only sold cereal (not like, their own shit, just like boxes of frosted flakes that you could buy at a store). There was one guy (that looked someone based their Vampire: the Masquerade character off of the Riddler) that just wanted to sell packs of three socks. Same as any other socks, they weren't like, wacky. You just bought three socks at once instead of two (or, like a normal person, buying a fucking bulk pack).

The hosts are also probably the most uncharismatic hosts to any show I've ever seen. There was one time I laughed with the show, and it was when one of the investors was so personally offended by something that they threatened to kill the contestant on live TV. They try humor (constantly), but these weird little fucking monsters just can't make it work. If they could pay people to laugh, they would, but they just fucking can't. The show frames them as these savvy superstars but the show never actually manages to frame them in a positive light. If they're """generous""", they come off as detached marks who are willing to toss 100k away to someone's pet project that ends up collapsing two years later anyways. If they're """smart""" with their money, they look like backstabbing leeches. There's never any redemption for these people because of the nature of the show, you will just watch them viciously tear down people or outright try to scam them and at the end of a given segment, that's fucking it. You might get a follow up (which just amounts to a commercial for whatever they're focusing on, it turns out most of the show's value comes from that), but that's rare. Most of the time, the viewer just gets to sit there and deal with the fact that the main characters are these predatory simpletons. Think of watching an episode of a show where the main character hits his lowest moral point, a total heel turn that almost demands some sort of redemption for you not to just loathe this fucking creature. But instead, he does it again. And again. And again. And never stops. Rick Grimes at the end of the final episode of the 2nd season of The Walking Dead, but there's six of him and 12 fucking seasons.

My favorite host is the guy I posted a picture of above, Kevin O'Leary. He's fucking tanked tons of companies through his own incompetence (such as Broderbund and The Learning Company). He's a short, bald son of a bitch who has a personality that consists solely of antagonism. Even when there's no actual reason to be mean to someone, even when it directly hurts his ability to make money on the show, he'll just bash people. The other hosts hate him. The guests try to avoid him at all costs. He's an chauvinistic pig. The best part though, is he has a nickname, "Mr. Wonderful". Almost nobody calls him by his nickname he made for himself, but he doesn't fucking stop calling himself that. He thinks he has a brand, that people enjoy being around him try to seek his knowledge and prestige when he can't even get his peers to refer to him by his chosen pet name. He's the insecure heel of a show compromised entirely of heels. I've been trying to find other aspects of who he is as a person, and outside of things he likes to consume, I can't find shit. I'm not even sure he can see his own reflection in the mirror.

Sometimes you get guest hosts too. They don't really contribute much. By far the "best" guest on the show was Jeff Foxworthy. He didn't invest in any company, I don't think he made an offer, I don't think he made any jokes or even said all that much. Lord knows I couldn't tell you any lines he said. If the guy working the boom mic just walked onto the set, pulled out a luger and dumped a fucking clip into Jeff's mouth, you could basically continue the shoot with zero changes. There are others, I do not remember any of them or care enough to look them up (despite grabbing other links for this post), they can suck my dick and balls until their mouth goes numb (edit: that was a lazy bit and I also don't have strong enough feelings about the guests to deserve that response).

And the best part is for the most part, it's not like Cops where you're just fucking punching down as hard as you possibly can towards society's most vulnerable and airing it on TV. The people that get on here by and large are the beautiful boaters. They are the reactionary petite bourgeoisie who have enough cash to sink tens of thousands into an epic bacon alarm/oven (that's also made of wood). Deluded, doomed people who are begging Pokey Minch to find a place in his heart to pay for their inspirational t-shirt line. Some of the tenacious ones, after being told to fuck off, will read off rudimentary statistics about the market they're trying to enter. These are the elite of the elite, by the way, most people who get on the show don't even get that far.

To steal a response from u/John_browns_beard

I haven’t watched too much of the show, but I mostly get angry at the people for being so completely clueless about how businesses work, especially THEIR OWN business. I’ve been a lowly number cruncher for two huge corporations for like five years and even I know more than these schmucks. It’s a glaring example of how the people at the top are completely helpless and the only reason they are there is because they started out with money.

Best part is when one of the sharks will ask a super basic question like what kind of profit do you expect to make this quarter, etc. and they obviously haven’t done any math and it takes them by surprise for some reason.

And to steal a joke from the ur-lib text,

Money, please.

It's reverse Alien vs Predator, whoever loses, we win. An overwhelming majority of these to be class traitors are in way over their head, trying to get a quick buck at someone else's expense by creating inefficiency. Just these little fucking patents for the most inane shit, products that aim to be "As Seen On TV" landfill occupants. Instead of them getting off the ground, you get to watch as they're told "No, that's stupid, and leave me alone." While not revolutionary in any sense, it's cathartic and reaffirms our view of economics better than any other show I've seen on television. It's also stupid disposable television you can have on intoxicated/as you're trying to sleep. Someone else responded to my original post asking

I just get angry. How do you not just get angry??

I don't get angry at it. There's nobody to root for (at least intentionally). There is no heart to this show. This isn't something like "Happiest Season" where Kirsten Stewart doesn't get together with Aubry Plaza and stays with her shitty girlfriend. This isn't the 2015 Royal Rumble where instead of a Daniel Bryan or Dean Ambrose giving you hope, you just get Roman Reigns shoved down your throat. Any negative feelings you have towards the incompetent people on both sides are never even challenged. I've been listening to this album a lot the past month, and the Delgados said it best, Hate is All You Need.