Right now im in the bathroom in a less than good state. Midnight is in less than 2 hours.
I have a shitload of homework. Like way more than comfortable. I was supposed to start them like 4 days ago but i havent yet. I want to do some today but its a bit late for that. Its stressing me out like crazy. Im supposed to write a text as training for the big end-of-high-school exam i have in June. Everytime i sit down i either dont know what to write or my ADHD makes me complete forget about it.
My sleep schedule has gone to complete trash. I go to sleep at 5.30 am and wake up at 1 pm. I try to regain a normal schedule but everytime i try i firget about it and i end up sleeping at 5 again. I barely get any day hours anymore. I've been in my pajamas for the past week and a half. My body feels so weak, i havent exercised properly in years. Im gonna end up badly if i keep this up.
RN i was stressing out while watching a movie with my parents. I stand up to go to the bathroom and i let out a bit of frustration by saying some stuff like "groan i wanted to study today" and my parents start telling me like "well if you didnt stand in front of the computer so much" and i tell them off cos i need my pc to write and research stuff, but i totally know how i get distracted when im next to a pc. Im not sure why but my parents are getting way angrier at me. Maybe they are stressed out, or they are noticing im grown up now, or im being worse myself, idk. I dobt really think they are abusive, but they arent of great help when im in a bad position. Whenever i tell my mom about bad stuff she just gets angry at me and tells me i shouldnt have told her, which sounds like bad parenting to me. I still love her a bunch.
Oh god i sound a bit childish? Thats a thing ive noticed, i tend to get pretty child-like when im sad. Thats pretty bad considering how fast im aging and how soon ill need to stand on my own two feet.
Ah bullshit, im crying. I hope my parents dont notice when i get out.
Ok im in my room now. The year wasnt that bad for me. I started having panic attacks at school last year, and i almost started crying in from of everybody. In web lesson i almost never did, and when i did it didnt really show, you can just move to the side and noone will notice. I dont really have a lot of IRL friends i relate to either, so i dont miss 'em particularly. Its also cool i dont have to go outside so much. Hate that place. Always too cold or too hot. Smdh.
I think i have some mental issues (ive mentioned ADHD but i never got tested) and i dont know if im just justifying my incapabilities and laziness or im actually such a mess. I'd want to go to a psych to get some help. Just therapy or a prescription for some stuff i have, or talking about gender stuff. I really want to but its hard for me to gather the courage to make such jumps. I dont know where to search, who to phone, etc. I threw the idea to my mom many times before but she always tells me i should do it myself. Not that it would be so easy with the lockdown.
Welp its now like an hour and 10 minutes till the countdown. If you want to talk, about you or about me, im here. I hope you have a nice year friends <3
I think a large part of the procrastination/executive dysfunction cycle is feeling like a piece of shit and avoiding what you feel you've been neglecting (whether that is through videogames, drugs, etc.). So really the first step is to forgive yourself. You're not a piece of shit from what I can see.
Getting an ADHD diagnosis can be very helpful in terms of getting medicated and learning practical approaches to dealing with things. It's also probably worth thinking through your reasoning about finding a psych, i.e. whether you really don't know how to find someone or who to call. These are easy problems with easy technical solutions - post on your city subreddit, Google reviews of psychs near you etc. On the other hand, you may already have a good idea what tasks you have to complete, but just haven't done it.
Exercise or even just going for a walk is good (even if it's at 5am) because you can really overthink things.
Also fuck the American education system, what is this shit about a test paper for something six months ago?
Final also - you're young, school sucks, being expected to support yourself without any of the tools (including money) is pretty shitty. Things will get better one way or another.
im not american, im italian, we have a big ass end of high school exam, with a 6 hours long writing session, and rn we are exercising that. it is still graded tho.
the final exam does put me in a world of stress tho. i dont know if im gonna be able to pass honestly, which is really bad cos im one of the best students in my class.