Hello, chapos.

I'm posting from Dubai, and I hate everything this country stands for. I was born and raised here to immigrant Indian parents, and my dad owns a business, with a small number of migrant labourers under him. He pays them "more than what they'd get somewhere else" and that basically amounts to "send some money back home and live on the cheapest most affordable food" wages.

My mother is a manager at a company, and I recently saw her reprimanding a group of workers who came to raise a silent protest about their wages being halved. I stood there silently and cringed helplessly.

In this hypercapitalist cyberpunk (it is indeed low life, high technology sans the lawlessness) dystopian hellworld, racism, sexism, homophobia and classism is a way of life; and if it isn't overt, it is most definitely covert. I have been suffering from depression, suicidal ideation and mood disorders for the better part of a decade now.

After getting exposed to Marxist theories, the idea that I have been brought up on the fruit of surplus value stolen from labour weighs down on my mind. I also consider myself an ecosocialist, and that in itself is enough for me to hate the hellhole that I stay in. On the few occasions where I have tried to talk about my leftist ideals to either friends or family, I have been mocked, belittled and disregarded as a crazy fucking loser (been NEETing for 3 years now, I haven't been able to find a job with my college degree, and my mental illness makes it hard for me to persist/commit to anything) who is simply bitter and lazy, and is anyways just living off his parents, and is not to be taken seriously. Or they accept that I'm probably right, right before they sarcastically wish me good luck with a revolution.

I'm sick of living like this. I don't fit in anywhere, and when I do, I feel like I'm faking it. And oh yeah, to top it all off, I'm a closeted queer and an ex-Muslim atheist. I feel like I have very little to look forward in life. Doom-scrolling through r/collapse, seeing how the world is being overtaken by neoliberalism, the hate for minorities back in India led by the current fascist government, climate change denial ensuring a shittier quality of life down the decades in the region I live right now, lack of real social connections with irl folks...

I have been seriously considering suicide for the last week, and it feels like more than ideation. I think I've reached that stage of being at peace with suicide, and I think this post is some half assed attempt to reach out for help. I weirdly relate to a lot of the things you dudes say, so I thought I'd post here.

  • PM_ME_YOUR_FOUCAULTS [he/him, they/them]
    ·
    4 years ago

    It sounds like you're very isolated where you're at, politically, sexually, religiously, socially. It sounds like you're suffering from a crisis of meaning.

    No one has any inherent reason to exist; we have to find those things for ourselves. I don't know what it is, but you have to find something that gives you meaning. I'm not even talking about a larger political project necessarily. Volunteer work. A music scene. Finding a group to game online with. Something that gets you outside of yourself for a time.

    Don't do it comrade. I hear that you're hurting, but give yourself some time. I wouldn't get a tattoo after thinking about it for just a week

    • Lumpenproletariat [he/him, comrade/them]
      ·
      4 years ago

      Your observations are right, I do feel super alone, my dude. Crisis of meaning and all that, sure.

      I'm sort of into gaming but I'm in a headspace where I find I difficult to concentrate on anything for more than a while. I spend most of my time locked away in my room, scrolling through articles endlessly and reading up stuff on the net.

      Thanks for hearing me out, comrade, it means a lot ngl, feels good to be heard I guess