Hello, chapos.
I'm posting from Dubai, and I hate everything this country stands for. I was born and raised here to immigrant Indian parents, and my dad owns a business, with a small number of migrant labourers under him. He pays them "more than what they'd get somewhere else" and that basically amounts to "send some money back home and live on the cheapest most affordable food" wages.
My mother is a manager at a company, and I recently saw her reprimanding a group of workers who came to raise a silent protest about their wages being halved. I stood there silently and cringed helplessly.
In this hypercapitalist cyberpunk (it is indeed low life, high technology sans the lawlessness) dystopian hellworld, racism, sexism, homophobia and classism is a way of life; and if it isn't overt, it is most definitely covert. I have been suffering from depression, suicidal ideation and mood disorders for the better part of a decade now.
After getting exposed to Marxist theories, the idea that I have been brought up on the fruit of surplus value stolen from labour weighs down on my mind. I also consider myself an ecosocialist, and that in itself is enough for me to hate the hellhole that I stay in. On the few occasions where I have tried to talk about my leftist ideals to either friends or family, I have been mocked, belittled and disregarded as a crazy fucking loser (been NEETing for 3 years now, I haven't been able to find a job with my college degree, and my mental illness makes it hard for me to persist/commit to anything) who is simply bitter and lazy, and is anyways just living off his parents, and is not to be taken seriously. Or they accept that I'm probably right, right before they sarcastically wish me good luck with a revolution.
I'm sick of living like this. I don't fit in anywhere, and when I do, I feel like I'm faking it. And oh yeah, to top it all off, I'm a closeted queer and an ex-Muslim atheist. I feel like I have very little to look forward in life. Doom-scrolling through r/collapse, seeing how the world is being overtaken by neoliberalism, the hate for minorities back in India led by the current fascist government, climate change denial ensuring a shittier quality of life down the decades in the region I live right now, lack of real social connections with irl folks...
I have been seriously considering suicide for the last week, and it feels like more than ideation. I think I've reached that stage of being at peace with suicide, and I think this post is some half assed attempt to reach out for help. I weirdly relate to a lot of the things you dudes say, so I thought I'd post here.
Hello there friend,
I work as a biologist, specifically restoration ecology, and I feel you on dwelling on the impending ecological and societal collapse aspect. I have worked first hand in ecosystems decimated by human impacts, some where the damage occurred in the past and some ongoing. It almost always feels like a losing battle and I’ve had days when my body felt like it was on fire due to feeling helpless. For example, I worked on ranchlands that are being decimated by cattle grazing. We all know it could restore itself just by removing the cattle but ranchers have a ton of capital and influence and you know the rest.
However, I’m always amazed by the resiliency of our planet. Ecosystems can be restored both in a biodiversity sense and also in a functional sense. They could also thrive in small pockets in the middle of a metropolis. Or you can remove the pressure which is damaging the ecosystem and it recovers on its own.
My point is, it’s very easy to get trapped and locked into feeling like doom is on us all the time. I just want to remind you, the ecology of the planet is wonderful and I have hope for it. Just as I have hope for humanity. You’re a testament to that hope. You’re a morally just person and you found it in a hellscape all by yourself. Don’t forget that you’re resilient too.
Damn.
I was really into biology back in school, so everything you said made a lot of sense. It's really hard to find people who still hold on to hope, especially someone of your qualifications, when the news I have been reading has been super disheartening in general.
I really admire how you concluded the comment by comparing the resilience of ecosystems to the chance of someone like me existing in such a time and place, and I'm grateful you took the time to put it so beautifully! Thank you so much.