Hello, chapos.
I'm posting from Dubai, and I hate everything this country stands for. I was born and raised here to immigrant Indian parents, and my dad owns a business, with a small number of migrant labourers under him. He pays them "more than what they'd get somewhere else" and that basically amounts to "send some money back home and live on the cheapest most affordable food" wages.
My mother is a manager at a company, and I recently saw her reprimanding a group of workers who came to raise a silent protest about their wages being halved. I stood there silently and cringed helplessly.
In this hypercapitalist cyberpunk (it is indeed low life, high technology sans the lawlessness) dystopian hellworld, racism, sexism, homophobia and classism is a way of life; and if it isn't overt, it is most definitely covert. I have been suffering from depression, suicidal ideation and mood disorders for the better part of a decade now.
After getting exposed to Marxist theories, the idea that I have been brought up on the fruit of surplus value stolen from labour weighs down on my mind. I also consider myself an ecosocialist, and that in itself is enough for me to hate the hellhole that I stay in. On the few occasions where I have tried to talk about my leftist ideals to either friends or family, I have been mocked, belittled and disregarded as a crazy fucking loser (been NEETing for 3 years now, I haven't been able to find a job with my college degree, and my mental illness makes it hard for me to persist/commit to anything) who is simply bitter and lazy, and is anyways just living off his parents, and is not to be taken seriously. Or they accept that I'm probably right, right before they sarcastically wish me good luck with a revolution.
I'm sick of living like this. I don't fit in anywhere, and when I do, I feel like I'm faking it. And oh yeah, to top it all off, I'm a closeted queer and an ex-Muslim atheist. I feel like I have very little to look forward in life. Doom-scrolling through r/collapse, seeing how the world is being overtaken by neoliberalism, the hate for minorities back in India led by the current fascist government, climate change denial ensuring a shittier quality of life down the decades in the region I live right now, lack of real social connections with irl folks...
I have been seriously considering suicide for the last week, and it feels like more than ideation. I think I've reached that stage of being at peace with suicide, and I think this post is some half assed attempt to reach out for help. I weirdly relate to a lot of the things you dudes say, so I thought I'd post here.
Thank you for the advice, I'm hanging in here my dude. I'm feeling much better than at the time I posted this.
I gotta ask, just for the sake of curiosity, if you're not really a leftist, what are you (doing here)? Also, what is the basis of you imagining that we would disagree philosophically?
I'm just a conservative person by disposition, and hold many reactionary views as a consquence of skepticism on the viability of most progressive projects. I'm rather cynical about humans as a whole, so I don't have much hope for the optimisitc projections of many leftist projects. I dislike the centeralization of power necessary for them, as well, even democratically driven centralization, because of the potential for misuse.
I'm just a stodgy person. I prefer conservative social norms to libertine ones. White picket fence with a monogamous couple vs polyamory and free love aspirations. Gay space communism seems to me as about as realistic as Norman Rockwell depictions of the 50s. Seen a lot of friends flame out on the whole polyamory thing -- left me with a great deal of anecdotally based distrust on the matter. I don't like sexual liberation movements because I think they overempahize hedonism in a way that's bad for you. I read too much Plato as an impressionable college student, basically. I'm just one of the grumpy faux-tradcath hermits that want to be surrounded by carbon copies of people exactly like them, to steal a Chapoism from one of their Rod reading series. When it comes to living with them, anyway. The discussions would be dreadfully boring.
I like being here because I think it's healthy to pay attention to people that have radically different views. Most people aren't crazy, and believe things for genuine and good reasons. So it's good to hear from people who have wildly different assumptions about the Good than I do. Keeps me healthy, on my toes, and always thinking about why I believe the things that I do. If I watch Ben Shaprio, I always know what he's going to say. He also has awful ads. The Chapos, on the other hand, are funny and fresh and novel most of the time. It's good to get a disagreeable breeze to air out the crypt in my brain before it gets too stuffy.
Frankly, I'm just a better educated and self aware version of the marble-bust-twitter-guy, so I'm sure there's plenty for us to disagree about if we ever argued.
But all that is aside when I see someone hurting because they've found themself in a situation they find deeply alienating. I've been there, and I know how it feels. I would embrace the most rabid communist if it meant comforting them in a moment of sucidal thoughts. You're worth more than you know, and I wish everyone could see that fact about themselves. We failsons have to stick with eachother, because we already fucked up by being alone, so we might as well be kings together. 🤴
As it so happens, one of my best friends who lives in a neighbouring state sounds very much like you. He took the Christpill and it's working out good for him, although he is naturally very open minded and uses similar analogies to why he prefers tradition.
I am happy that you are here, my dude, stick around and enrich our discussions with your ideas, friend. You and your kind might be the secret ingredients that may not turn us into a complete echochamber, at the very least. Also, #failsonsolidarity hahaha