About the violence: While lashing out violently is obviously never good I would ask you to ask yourself if your needs as an autistic are met? You said your parents police their behaviour around you but are you affirmed in you autism and allowed to be "just as you are"? Are you allowed to be yourself and have boundaries or is heavy masking demanded of you by your parents?
Thing is that expecting you to pretend smile for 30 minutes when you have clearly communicated that you cannot do that is also abusive towards you.
What I am getting at is that you lashing out like this probably doesn't happen in a vacuum, something in you might be pushed too far. Have you been able to identify your triggers?
While it is good you are taking responsibility for this, I hope you remember that autism and the masking that follows comes with a lot of shame and guilt as it is. This is often imposed on us by the neurotypicals so try to be kind to yourself when you investigate this.
Don't hate yourself, unpacking this might take a long time and you probably should find help for that. Are you in any social media or advocacy groups for the neurodiversity movement? If you haven't read Unmasking Autism by Devon Price I also recommend that.
This is not easy to navigate so all the best to you.
Good luck. It isn't easy figuring out what the triggers are or how to voice them.
Oh and one more thing I wanted to say about what violence or abuse actually is is that for autistic folks things like unwanted touching or very bring lights for example can literally be painful (obviously we are not a monolith, everyone is different), but the world making us be in these situations can be also seen as a form of violence imo. And it is also easy to see why someone then would lash out if pushed too far.
We also tend to communicate different and that too needs to be accomodated for.
So please be kind to yourself even when holding yourself accountable.
Hey, first of all solidarity.
About the violence: While lashing out violently is obviously never good I would ask you to ask yourself if your needs as an autistic are met? You said your parents police their behaviour around you but are you affirmed in you autism and allowed to be "just as you are"? Are you allowed to be yourself and have boundaries or is heavy masking demanded of you by your parents?
Thing is that expecting you to pretend smile for 30 minutes when you have clearly communicated that you cannot do that is also abusive towards you.
What I am getting at is that you lashing out like this probably doesn't happen in a vacuum, something in you might be pushed too far. Have you been able to identify your triggers?
While it is good you are taking responsibility for this, I hope you remember that autism and the masking that follows comes with a lot of shame and guilt as it is. This is often imposed on us by the neurotypicals so try to be kind to yourself when you investigate this.
Don't hate yourself, unpacking this might take a long time and you probably should find help for that. Are you in any social media or advocacy groups for the neurodiversity movement? If you haven't read Unmasking Autism by Devon Price I also recommend that.
This is not easy to navigate so all the best to you.
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Good luck. It isn't easy figuring out what the triggers are or how to voice them.
Oh and one more thing I wanted to say about what violence or abuse actually is is that for autistic folks things like unwanted touching or very bring lights for example can literally be painful (obviously we are not a monolith, everyone is different), but the world making us be in these situations can be also seen as a form of violence imo. And it is also easy to see why someone then would lash out if pushed too far.
We also tend to communicate different and that too needs to be accomodated for.
So please be kind to yourself even when holding yourself accountable.
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