Hey, first of all solidarity.
About the violence: While lashing out violently is obviously never good I would ask you to ask yourself if your needs as an autistic are met? You said your parents police their behaviour around you but are you affirmed in you autism and allowed to be "just as you are"? Are you allowed to be yourself and have boundaries or is heavy masking demanded of you by your parents?
Thing is that expecting you to pretend smile for 30 minutes when you have clearly communicated that you cannot do that is also abusive towards you.
What I am getting at is that you lashing out like this probably doesn't happen in a vacuum, something in you might be pushed too far. Have you been able to identify your triggers?
While it is good you are taking responsibility for this, I hope you remember that autism and the masking that follows comes with a lot of shame and guilt as it is. This is often imposed on us by the neurotypicals so try to be kind to yourself when you investigate this.
Don't hate yourself, unpacking this might take a long time and you probably should find help for that. Are you in any social media or advocacy groups for the neurodiversity movement? If you haven't read Unmasking Autism by Devon Price I also recommend that.
This is not easy to navigate so all the best to you.
Good luck. It isn't easy figuring out what the triggers are or how to voice them.
Oh and one more thing I wanted to say about what violence or abuse actually is is that for autistic folks things like unwanted touching or very bring lights for example can literally be painful (obviously we are not a monolith, everyone is different), but the world making us be in these situations can be also seen as a form of violence imo. And it is also easy to see why someone then would lash out if pushed too far.
We also tend to communicate different and that too needs to be accomodated for.
So please be kind to yourself even when holding yourself accountable.
I don't think you're a toxic person. First of all, it's usually not a 'choice' to feel certain emotions. The meltdowns you have do not represent any failing on your part, as they are clearly involuntary. This is pretty clearly an issue that will benefit from professional help, and I would highly recommend trying to see a doctor about this. I would like to say that point #4 is stupid, the people you were with were clearly at fault because as you stated trying to perform the right emotion for 30 minutes is an unreasonable task. Gonna post now but probably add some more in a reply in a minute :)
I do think that it's awesome that you're thinking about your family in this situation. It's something that can be hard to do when you're in situations where you find it impossible to not 'act out.' It is going to be rough for them in this situation but the key way to control.
I just looked at that reddit post you linked and,,, well to be quite honest that user's behavior isn't toxic. I think that it's a reasonable accomodation to look into, and the people in the comments saying "self harm stims are NEVER the answer" look pretty silly to me. I have some self harm stims myself and those are all about harm reduction and figuring out a safe outlet for them. I've been able to redirect some of them, I'll put a collapsible where I talk about my experience. They aren't as debilitating as yours but it might help out.
spoiler
My main self harm stim is scratching myself. The first time I did this I got far enough to where I was just about to draw blood, and the marks stayed for several days. As a result of this I started dividing where I scratch myself, so that way it doesn't leave too much damage. I was also able to control it by rapidly tapping my dresser at one point as well.
I've also had the urge to hit things, but I live in a rented apartment so I want to avoid leaving any damage. I try to hit my own furniture instead (my blows aren't strong enough to leave damage, but this way it won't be on the apartment itself so I won't have to worry about paying for that).
My last thought (at least for now):
I’ve tried asking for accommodations that make it less likely for me to melt down, but I think my parents view it as just another thing they have to work around to stop me from hurting them. “Always walking on eggshells” and I hate doing that to people.
This is a bit foolish. I was in a relationship with someone who had much more issues with autism and, for instance, changing plans, and maintaining the accomodations was something I was able to adjust to and start doing automatically over time. I really hope you're able to start making progress towards controlling these issues!
You definitely need to work on being violent. My meltdowns aren't like that so idk how easy it is to work on. Maybe try removing yourself from the situation.
Using the example in 3, the best thing for him to do would probably be just staying in his room for the duration of the event. But the parents absolutely need to work on understanding the effects their actions are having on him and be more accommodating. They should have told him as soon as it was planned, not hours before the event.
If it was last minute (doesn't really sound like it though) they could have told him in person, told him how they understood he might not be prepared for such an event, suggested staying in his room, and asked if there was anything they could do to help. Obviously it depends on his likes, but maybe they could have ordered him a pizza or some other food he really enjoys so he can take it to his room and stay chill. And made it clear that if he needed anything from outside the room, he could just text them and they would help.
From the way it was written it sounds like they still expected him to attend the event which is just bad and not at all understanding what it means that their child is autistic.
For number 4, work on recognizing when explaining something like that just isn't worth it. Tell them you're going to do your best to show your gratitude but cannot handle putting on a happy face for the duration of the event. If they try to argue, just tell them that's just how it is and there is nothing to argue. If they still argue, tell them fine but then just don't do it. It's not always worth convincing someone, know when to just end the conversation. If they argue with you afterward, it's their fault for continuously harassing you about it when you did the best you could.
I’ve tried asking for accommodations that make it less likely for me to melt down, but I think my parents view it as just another thing they have to work around to stop me from hurting them. “Always walking on eggshells” and I hate doing that to people.
Honestly I think the "walking on eggshells" thing might be sort of circular reasoning. They don't actually accommodate you, so you melt down, then they get stressed by your meltdown, and that stress is what they're feeling when they say that phrase. It seems like that phrase is really only used after something bad happens. "Walking on eggshells" effectively ends up meaning they did nothing then had to deal with the consequences, basically the opposite of what they are trying to use it for. idk though that's just how it seems to me and I'm sure it depends on the specific person and situation. But the two things I've gone over, the party and the argument, should honestly be pretty easy to accommodate if they would just consider how you feel for 2 seconds.
But yeah, definitely work on the violence. Removing yourself from the situation if possible is usually a good way to go about it. Maybe have a straightforward stock phrase to throw out if you need, "Sorry, I feel as if I'm about to have a meltdown and need to remove myself from this situation" or something, then just go. You could also try to figure out some (non-self harming) stims to put your feelings into.
Also, the fact that you recognize what you do it bad and want to work on it means you are nowhere near "irredeemable POS". An irredeemable POS wouldn't give a shit.
Autism here, prone to overload, meltdowns. Also grew up in abusive environment. What has helped:
Learning about what causes a meltdown. So, if in crowded space, I'll think, potential danger here. Over time, recognizing triggers, can plan in advance, know what to expect.
Knowing when I'm about to hit meltdown state. Feel increasingly trapped, pressure building, everything faster and faster, panic rising, fight/flight. Got so used to doing this, can remove self, make sure meltdown doesn't happen.
DBT for borderline personality really helped me. I get so caught up in how things should be. They don't care, this isn't fair, everyone's against me, I hate this, I hate everything, everyone's stupid.
I learned to recognize thoughts in head, to not assume, no expectations, no judgment. Focus on what is.
This enabled me to start thinking constructively. Ie, this person is doing something that's bugging me. It's understandable why I'm so annoyed. How is it affecting me? I'm really good at researching, so what are creative solutions?
People won't know what you're thinking til you tell them. I had to research, learn about how to have healthy relationships, healthy conflict resolution, how to acknowledge, name, process my emotions. To not attack, criticize a person, instead, hey this is affecting me this way, you willing to talk?
I'd probably recommend you looking into anger management, researching it. I understand why. It can be overwhelming. Challenge here, acknowledging anger, allowing self to feel it, but not letting it control you. As a survivor of abuse, this is extra important to me, I don't like hurting others, making them afraid.
The fact that you are recognizing this, becoming aware of it, are talking about it, asking for help... there's a lot of people who don't do that. So, you're ahead of the curve. You can learn from this. You can emerge from this stronger. You have the ability to take what you're going through, to adapt, grow. It may seem hard and overwhelming now, but you can do this.
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I've been in therapy for 5 years now, I just kinda have a hunch here.
Does this apply to you? https://medcircle.com/articles/signs-you-grew-up-in-a-toxic-family/
I had the same problem when I was younger and in school, I'd come home and just let everything out, which usually took a turn for the worst. Parents would pretend to call the police, and things would escalate further. I can't really provide any tips or tricks since I've kind of dissociated myself from this point in my life and I try not to really look back on it because then I just get angry at myself. Anyway, just wanted to drop my two cents here to let you know you're not alone.
