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4 months agoIncorporating leggings into my wardrobe has prompted me to buy a little bag for all my pockets stuff! I'm having this moment of realization that I move more freely when I don't have pockets full of STUFF
SterlingPooper [he/him, they/them]
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- 99 Comments
Joined 4 years ago
Cake day: July 27th, 2020
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·4 months agoIt's such a joke. I legit might buy wired headphones next time I have to replace mine.
·4 months agoDamn, like, how do you make close friends?
It feels like I'm too late in life for lifelong friends, like, they'd have to have met me before I was an adult, right?
Like, I want to be close to someone, dammit. I thought other people wanted that. I think I'm confused. I need a nap
Feeling more confident every time I go out looking for women's clothes
·4 months agoMy Will Wood era continues
sad
In hindsight, yeah. I was looking for myself pretty much everywhere except internally and it really sucked. But those thoughts of death kinda get replaced by the thought of coming out and really being myself.
Thank you
I'm happier to not know at the moment and be exploring. It's freeing
Thank you
Exploring has been great. I feel euphoric in ways I've never felt about "guy stuff".
It was the first time any of my friends had gotten married. It was a really fun weekend.
It set off this anxiety about wanting to find someone, wanting not to be alone. It led to me feeling super insecure, and feeling worthless. I thought I wanted to die, but in hindsight I think I was realizing that I hated being a straight man.
CW: suicidal thoughts, emotional flashbacks
This week marks five years since my roommate got married. This started a huge existential crisis for me, including suicidal thoughts and withdrawing from pretty much all my friends.
I've been getting panic attacks every time I go into work this week, it feels like it's from remembering that wedding. Literally feeling detached, like I'm piloting my body. But now that I'm really questioning my gender, I feel like it's staring me in the face that I'm just in a big holding pattern. I want to figure out how to speak up for myself.
Truthfully, I go back and forth on if I even want to. If any of them were in the same area as me I'd be eager to have conversations in person. Part of me feels like they saw me caving in and left, so why would I chase them? Part of me feels like they'd want to know what I'm going through. But didn't they already know something was up??
It feels impossible.
dysphoria stuff
I'm sad that I lost touch with people I knew, but part of me feels like it was necessary to even reach a point to consider that I'm trans.
In school, I had a support system. I had great friends, and people that I probably kinda took for granted.
But I thought I was straight, I thought I was cis. I was in a costume, and I played the part so well that nobody can look past the mask anymore. They're not thinking about me, they're remembering him. It's tough.
Feelings of dysphoria really bad the last couple of days. Making myself go buy a new outfit as a treat 🍭
Currently worried that social skills are only learned when you hit certain ages, a la Pokemon moves. Like, I had to learn how to initiate conversations at Level 12, but I didn't, so now I don't get to, unless this metaphor contains a Move Tutor of some kind.
I see other people who are close with each other. It's literally like, how do I learn to do that
Scared to shop for women's clothing 😬 But, like, wow, it's better in every imaginable way
·6 months agoIs it normal to spend years not reaching out because you thought your friends knew you were struggling with depression and gave up on you?
Is it normal to be so intimidated by people that it's hard to tell who actually wants to listen to you talk about your problems?
Is it normal to wish your friends would notice your absence and come looking for you and be willing to understand why you're struggling?
I think about the person I was when I left school. I was always there for my friends. I thought they would notice me like I noticed them. I thought when you're sad, your friends see you and ask what's wrong, stay and help.
Maybe I did this to myself. I just don't know how to undo it.
·6 months agoI don't know how to organically bring things up without being asked, but am also desperate to be asked about those things.
And also despise phone calls because I need to multitask, but inevitably get wrapped up in something that takes up more of my attention than the actual phone call.
I'm convinced that people who are good at conversations are wizards.
My manager likes to talk about Frozen III and how apparently they're having Elsa have a female love interest.
I genuinely have no idea if that's true, but it's mostly just an excuse for him to start talking like "I don't want my kid to see that kind of stuff" and coworkers agree with him. It's disheartening.
I'm on my way out in the next few months, but I think I'm wearing Pride stuff every day until I leave. I'm not out to these people, but I seriously have zero tolerance for those kinds of conversations
I have joined as Wendy, because I don't like my username