SterlingPooper [he/him, they/them]

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  • 99 Comments
Joined 4 years ago
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Cake day: July 27th, 2020

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  • CW: suicidal thoughts, emotional flashbacks

    This week marks five years since my roommate got married. This started a huge existential crisis for me, including suicidal thoughts and withdrawing from pretty much all my friends.

    I've been getting panic attacks every time I go into work this week, it feels like it's from remembering that wedding. Literally feeling detached, like I'm piloting my body. But now that I'm really questioning my gender, I feel like it's staring me in the face that I'm just in a big holding pattern. I want to figure out how to speak up for myself.




  • dysphoria stuff

    I'm sad that I lost touch with people I knew, but part of me feels like it was necessary to even reach a point to consider that I'm trans.

    In school, I had a support system. I had great friends, and people that I probably kinda took for granted.

    But I thought I was straight, I thought I was cis. I was in a costume, and I played the part so well that nobody can look past the mask anymore. They're not thinking about me, they're remembering him. It's tough.





  • Is it normal to spend years not reaching out because you thought your friends knew you were struggling with depression and gave up on you?

    Is it normal to be so intimidated by people that it's hard to tell who actually wants to listen to you talk about your problems?

    Is it normal to wish your friends would notice your absence and come looking for you and be willing to understand why you're struggling?

    I think about the person I was when I left school. I was always there for my friends. I thought they would notice me like I noticed them. I thought when you're sad, your friends see you and ask what's wrong, stay and help.

    Maybe I did this to myself. I just don't know how to undo it.



  • My manager likes to talk about Frozen III and how apparently they're having Elsa have a female love interest.

    I genuinely have no idea if that's true, but it's mostly just an excuse for him to start talking like "I don't want my kid to see that kind of stuff" and coworkers agree with him. It's disheartening.

    I'm on my way out in the next few months, but I think I'm wearing Pride stuff every day until I leave. I'm not out to these people, but I seriously have zero tolerance for those kinds of conversations disgost