down with cis
This morning i had a really rough time; i had an earring fall out and the hole is too swollen to put a replacement, some old lady tried to run me off the road because she couldnt stay in her land during a turn, and i forgot to take my pills. All of it accumulated into a scream from deep down. Usually when i scream it feels so "man" and just makes me feel even worse after, but this one felt very feminine rage yelling. Im not sure what was different but it actually felt nice to yell for the first time in forever.
My chud ex-coworker outed another of my ex-coworkers to me and my parents at the restaurant I used to work at. I had to text someone I haven't had contact with in four years to let her know.
Hahaha, having men try to interact with me as a man is so fucking weird! I don't think I'll ever get used to it, even though it's going to keep happening for the rest of my life, because apparently I look like a man, despite being all of 5'0".
Like today a 60-70 year old drunk biker boomer guy at the bar I sometimes go to told me a whole ass story about how he used to get in fights all the time, and I tried my best to respond appropriately, pretending I knew what it was like to get into physical altercations with people, but like, I don't, because I was a girl during prime fighting years, so I have never been anywhere close to being in a physical fight with anyone.
Life is really fucking strange sometimes, you know?
I was a girl during prime fighting years (age 8-14) and it didn’t stop me :)
Fair enough! Girls absolutely did fight, but I was never one to, and I wasn't forced into it the way (most) boys who didn't want to fight were.
talking about dysphoria?
Sometimes I'm like, well maybe I'm not trans maybe I just want to shave and lose weight, that doesn't make a person trans? And then I go out in public and I'm like :cri: god damn why don't I look exactly like her.
I've had two really weird bathroom accidents this past week and I'm starting to wonder how I've made it this far into life without just accidentally losing a limb or something similar. I gouged (literally gouged) my thumb off of a conditioner bottle. Today, I sliced up my elbow by accidentally raking it against a razor. Like...how? Just how? I swear I'm unlucky, but my wives will have you believe that I'm just a klutz
I don’t understand people who never experience this. How can one be always aware of where their limbs are and be completely aware of their surroundings and every possible consequence of every action?
sometimes i tell my friends or people on the internet that i'm going to do things to get myself to do them because then i'd feel like a liar if i didn't
that being said, pride in (city) is coming up soon and I'm going to make the very, very bold decision to try and present femme in public for the first time there
I find the different paths we take in transition so fun.
You've started HRT, and that just feels years off for me. There are some people who have been on HRT for years but who have yet to buy any women's clothing or present femme in public. Meanwhile, I've been doing that for years.
For me, socially transitioning seems super easy, but I'm actually scared to make changes to my body. For others, it's the opposite.
We have so many unique ways to the same destination
(and actually our destinations aren't quite the same either!)You've started HRT, and that just feels years off for me. There are some people who have been on HRT for years but who have yet to buy any women's clothing or present femme in public. Meanwhile, I've been doing that for years.
I've found the thought of it to be super difficult but if I don't put any effort into it that sounds like it might be me. I absolutely hate being a "man" though so hopefully doing it once will help me do it.
It is really nice watching people do being trans differently though :)
If you're in a good environment, it's going to go like this:
Oh my god, I'm so scared/excited --> nobody is really saying anything, is this normal!? --> hm, the excitement is dying down, maybe I just do this for the thrill --> I'm very calm, not even thinking about what I'm wearing, this feels normal and I love it --> presenting masc now feels harder
At least that's how it was for me
Finally watched I Saw the TV Glow. Sobbed multiple times throughout the movie. I've been wanting to watch a movie, tv show about exactly this for so long; the struggles, the journey, the exploration of one's transness. Go watch it if you haven't already
My hair is still extremely short, I think I might be balding because the sun reflects off of that shit
I really need a haircut, haven't had one in about a decade. There's nothing actually stopping me from getting a haircut, and there are tons of trans-friendly places here to get a haircut within walking distance, and I would probably look pretty adorable with bangs, and it would make it easier for me to wear my cute cosplay wigs without squeezing my brain...
BDD ranting
But I have such bad haircut anxiety. My dysmorphia goes so fucking nuts about my hair that I don't even like my bf touching it. There's nothing wrong with it, I have long pretty hair, but I still get worries that one day I'm just going to magically wake up looking like my dad even though I'm taking basically every medical measure to prevent that.
Anyways I think I'm gonna try and schedule something this weekend and then get really fucking stoned and hope the fun house clown mirror disease doesn't ruin my day.
good luck!! it's so scary messing with hair, but I think saying fuck it and just scheduling is the best way to break a multi-year build up of anxiety and stress about it
