Both sides of my family have history of disabilities. Some have neurodivergence, some psychiatric and many physical.

So it is almost insane to me when I encounter people with no disability or anything. Not even a single allergy.

I do wonder how much is generational trauma, colonization and the fast transition to industrial capitalism (we come from a place that rapidly transitioned within a few decades). I wonder how all that factors in all this.

I started with 10mg citalopram first few weeks then 20mg, then switched to 10mg escitalopram due to availability issues at the start of the year.

It was for anxiety and depression.

Had severe side-effects first few weeks on citalopram. Mainly lethargy and low mood.

After the initial side-effects, I remember it not really doing much except made it easier to unhook for anxious thoughts and a slightly lower baseline anxiety. I have a chronic physical illness and it often gets worse in periods where I am more anxious and have noticed it has generally gotten better after the anti-depressant.

Currently bumped up to 15mg escitalopram past few months. Had taken it for nearly a year now. The switch from citalo to escitalo wasn’t as bad, side effects were similar but less potent and lasted only a few days.

Libido did not really change, but I started taking Concerta (methylphenidate) for ADHD regularly the past couple months in conjunction which just increased it honestly. The side-effects for Concerta has/is more prominent than escitalopram for me now.

I have to switch back to citalopram again soon because of availability issues… again.

In general I am adverse to medication, and so depending how the next year goes, I am hoping to taper off of the citalopram.

I did a 40km day hike last week, a personal record.

Wasn’t even intentional, but the path I was supposed to take was closed because of a landslip and had to take a detour and just decided to walk back instead of using the bus.

Pretty happy about that.

And I have been managing my anxiety quite well lately too so can’t complain.

I just wish they handle their trauma with their own community and not air their dirty laundry to get White sympathy points.

Today’s been a good day. I say this with the wholehearted knowledge that my life will be very different and yet all too familiar at the same time.

Finally had a proper conversation with my parents since I was alive.

No more hiding. No more “negative peace”.

I told them how I felt. How they treated me throughout my childhood and teenager years. The religious trauma. The corporal punishments.

My dad’s a tougher nut to crack but I think in the end he understood and respected my feelings. It feels like a whole chapter of my life just closed in an instant. Just from one talk.

I know that may be the optimist in me speaking but I think I can finally slowly move away from the past and look forward to the future.

I can finally be at peace knowing that my relationship with the family is finally moving to something I can be happy with.

13 year old me would have not imagined this day whatsoever.

My friend joked that this isn’t how “normal” Asian parents would have reacted. Well I wouldn’t know, my experience is that everyone’s parents are different. We won’t know until we try.

I guess I did live up to my childhood name after all - “the destroyer”. To ashes the trauma burns, and in the soot a new tree sprouts.

Funny that this had to take place on October 7. I guess I can say many good things have happened on this date.

They can speak and understand Hindi/Urdu and Tamil.

Read and speak Standard Chinese, Malay and English.

They said it’s normal in their country.

I have a close friend that can speak 5 languages (most major Asian languages + English) while I am out here struggling with 2.

They are way too OP on geoguessr

Bombed my driving test, eating sushi to cheer myself up.

Maybe I should fail more driving classes

Just finished playing the main storyline of Hades and it makes me… sad. Because I just relate to the story.

If you talked to my pre-teen self I would have been like a Zagreus copy. I wanted to runaway from home. I thought about it almost everyday.

It became a goal in my mind that guided my entire life choices from middle school to graduation. And when I graduated, and was able to get some independence - nothing seemed better. A lot maybe turned for the worse really.

I was and still am stuck. Always felt like I was never given a choice in my own life.

Some things went on the past couple of years, lead to me formally being diagnosed with ADHD (in addition to my previously known anxiety disorders)… tough luck as they say.

It’s been a short while since the diagnosis. I don’t know how to feel about it still. Explains certain things of course but I don’t even know how to proceed.

The therapist said I exhibit some autistic symptoms too.

And now I am here, learning more about myself and yet at the same time not knowing anything at all. Still feeling like that kid that wanted to run away from home but never managed or was able to.