Permanently Deleted
Woke up this morning twisted by grief and mourning. Something about looking back over my life and feeling the places where people were (deservingly) cut out. When you're as good as me at taking a scalpel to your social ties, and burning that which doesn't cut, what you can still remember of the past starts looking like an empty set.
I hate mourning the people who wronged me. Sitting there staring at my face in the mirror like "why are you still affected like this?"
Yeah, I get that.
Call it co-dependency or whatever, but sometimes, I still feel attached to certain people that wronged me.
I keep fighting white lib friends of friends on social media who want me to vote for a genocidal monster because Trump is rude and they're more afraid of rudeness than someone massacring civilians. When I ask them why they don't care about brown people's lives they just dodge the question or ghost. Not a single one has responded so far. I just want the libs to publicly admit they're racist scum
Honestly, this whole year has been a real doozy.
I... kinda hate election years now.
Admittedly, I kinda looked forward to 'em because at least something interesting was happening (and to be fair, interesting stuff did happen).
Now? I guess: no news is good news, at this point.
every bit of history I've learned recently just makes me want to punch a white person through the wall
Just paid a visit to the smithsonian african american history museum (which has its own host of problems) but the history from 1400 on is just a series of cruel bloodthirsty depredations one after another. It was a little bit depressing
It was very nice, and I was surprised that they had a large section on early to modern black power movements. It even mentioned COINTELPRO the assassinations of Hampton and other leaders, though there was no mention of the panthers' nor the civil rights movement's heavy ties to socialism. Spose its better than I expected
That's impressive, tbh, but the lack of ties to socialism exhibited is to be expected.
I've been hitting a point of "if we can't have liberation, revenge is good too" lately.
"if we can't have liberation, revenge is good too" lately.
Honestly, if by revenge, you mean mass-execution of the reactionary vanguard, then yes... at least many a men shall fall!
I'm not for revenge, but I am for justice.
As long as the white bourgeois face justice, then I can let things pass.
But at the same token, I'm generally for multiracial unity.
Like, maybe it's because the CPUSA emphasizes it so much and I'm apart of it.
I'm basically with Henry Winston on the issue.
I used to hate white people, but I've sorta viewed things in terms of cold logic, what gets us to revolution or a revolutionary movement quickest?
But, like, it seems that all the people that have attacked or wronged me in the past were mostly white.
Coincidence? I think not.
See, I consider Winston too assimilationist to rock with. Never could stomach it. From where I sit, we're better off forming a state of our own-- because when in the last 400 years have the crackers proven themselves able stewards of us or our destiny? When in the last 400 years have the crackers proven they'll EVER see us equally, or compensate us equally?
I consider him an idealist, p much.
Yeah, I disagree, Winston was pretty realistic in his approach.
I've had many crackers prove to be friends, though not all.
Also, this land is Indigenous; it belongs to the Indigenous. So no forming a state for me, imho.
Winston was pretty realistic in his approach.
I don't see it when the "when in the last 400 years" question has never been answered-- and I'm not talking by you here, but by history's measure. They've never shown nor proven. All while continuing to murder us by the auditorium-full every year, and carcerally enslaving the ones that are lucky enough to escape the guns, tasers, and occasionally dogs.
I’ve had many crackers prove to be friends, though not all.
As far as you currently know. It's only a matter of time before the mask slips-- assuming it hasn't already.
Also, this land is Indigenous; it belongs to the Indigenous. So no forming a state for me, imho.
A valid point to raise, but it doesn't justify remaining in bondage to a legal system that will always value the crackers more than it does us
By history's measure, we've seen an increasing amount of multiracial movements in the last 100. Honestly, some of my friends have been for life.
A valid point to raise, but it doesn't justify remaining in bondage to a legal system that will always value the crackers more than it does us
I wasn't saying otherwise.
Honestly, I'm not here to argue. Your and my experience here are different. I used to have the same opinions as you, but honestly, I just feel that my approach right now is just more realistic and we can't just wait till white people are the minority or something 'cause that's just going to take too long.
Name a group and I shall try to recall a time where they kicked whitey butt. That helps me sometimes
as a mixed immigrant, is there ever a point where I'll actually feel at home somewhere? moving to Australia at 5 years old, as a brown skinned south east asian kid, was a hell of a thing and the end result is not fitting in in my 'home' country (which it really is not), but also permanently feeling like you're on the outside in the country you've lived in for decades
there's a restlessness that's hard to define
one day i'll make art about it
as a mixed immigrant, is there ever a point where I'll actually feel at home somewhere? moving to Australia at 5 years old, as a brown skinned south east asian kid, was a hell of a thing and the end result is not fitting in in my 'home' country (which it really is not), but also permanently feeling like you're on the outside in the country you've lived in for decades
It's quite ironic really... you're actually geographically not that far from your homeland when in Australia... yet it's quite isolating there, innit?
The effects of settler-colonialism...
i want to, and i'm trying but working all the time really do be getting me down and exhausted all the time
but still, i feel like i got something to say in me
People called me "one fucked up hybrid" at one point for my mixed background.
Bwahahahahaha
Yeah, I get that. I like the diversity of my ancestry, but not everyone saw it that way.
I had a White dude the other day tell me I had "good bloodlines".
That was the final red flag for me that he was probably a Nazi.
I had the same reaction.
This was at a bar and that made me feel, along with other things he said, that he was probably a Nazi. But luckily some Black guys arrived and started chatting with us, so I felt like I had some backup. Eventually the White guy left and I spoke with one of the other guys about Stalin because I was reading Losurdo's book and he was coincidentally very sympathetic.
Oh fuck, well, at least it turned out alright; more than alright, you chanced upon some good comrades!
unfortunately for my mother in law I imagine this was the same point at which she found it completely acceptable to say unfathomably racist things in public
god, reminds me of the time my mum (who is ALSO singaporean) started talking about 'it's not cool to be white anymore' and 'white people have it so hard'
why does this happen lmao
I've been considering taking some form of therapy to address my mental health for a long time, but aside from the fact that it seems difficult to find a good therapist, especially one that works well with POC, I'm still concerned about the stigma that my mom and family in general seem to have about it. And its so weird. When I was younger I distinctly remember her being a bit more positive about getting treatment in light of how bad the relationship between my brother and me was back then. Like I remember her specifically saying that we shouldn't hesitate to get therapy if it was something we needed.
Now every time she talks about mental health she talks about it just being a matter of having "self-control" and I really hate it. There's been a couple of times where I'll convince her that it isn't that easy to deal with what we're going through, but then a couple weeks later she'll be back on the "self-control" talk.
I went through six therapists - six! - before I found a trans Autistic one and the one that's right for me.
allergies fucking me up so I've been staying in bed all day.
very sads.
I think the allergies aren't effecting me this time of year, for some reason...
i borrowed some books from my library ("Kwame Nkrumah: the father of African nationalism" and "The New Jim Crow") but i haven't had time to read them :/
also recently i've been getting more looks from people in public. i was already getting looked at before (in a predominantly white area), but after wearing my durag daily i get way more looks and double-takes and it's kinda irritating. like bro stop looking at me
lastly anyone has any personal recommendations for soul and R&B? i really like "My Place" (Nelly) and i wanna listen to more of that type of music
The closest I get to rnb anymore is The Weeknd honestly; ever since R. Kelly caught a prison sentence that pretty much wiped out most of the rnb I was raised on
Dawn FM was an entrancing album as far as I was concerned; but it also resonates a lot harder if you're caught up on Abel's older work because there's a whole narrative arc that sounds like 'toxic RnB boyfriend achieves the fame he always wanted and now has to recover and grow from it' here
Kwame Nkrumah's Soviet biography is great too!
Really gets you up to speed on the person!
https://www.intpubnyc.com/browse/kwame-nkrumah/
Congrats!!! Vyvanse was the only thing that obliterated my constant anxiety
I had a really good week. I talked to Mom and Pops about my future plans with school and they were super supportive (mostly morally not financially, it's all good though) . I'm gonna go back part-time (transition to full-time eventually) to get my Master's degree in computer science. Starting this summer in fact. It's gonna a journey and I'm excited for it.
Dansons la Carmagnole, long live the Ravachole!
Just finished playing the main storyline of Hades and it makes me… sad. Because I just relate to the story.
If you talked to my pre-teen self I would have been like a Zagreus copy. I wanted to runaway from home. I thought about it almost everyday.
It became a goal in my mind that guided my entire life choices from middle school to graduation. And when I graduated, and was able to get some independence - nothing seemed better. A lot maybe turned for the worse really.
I was and still am stuck. Always felt like I was never given a choice in my own life.
Some things went on the past couple of years, lead to me formally being diagnosed with ADHD (in addition to my previously known anxiety disorders)… tough luck as they say.
It’s been a short while since the diagnosis. I don’t know how to feel about it still. Explains certain things of course but I don’t even know how to proceed.
The therapist said I exhibit some autistic symptoms too.
And now I am here, learning more about myself and yet at the same time not knowing anything at all. Still feeling like that kid that wanted to run away from home but never managed or was able to.
I'm doing better than last week but still not great, insert Chernobyl meme here, work is doing their shake people off during summer bullshit, so I've been getting like 8hrs a week. My other job online is light too, so it's looking like a serious hunt is in order, though finding a job is on par with winning the lotto in my experience. I need to keep hours open since I'm still dealing with dental bullshit, and any job I pick up isn't going to cover the prices they charge for that locally. I've been trying to flip stuff on ebay, taking surveys I find etc, so called 'beer money' is and always will be 'serious wage money' for me.
So, one experience on a survey 100% fitting for here was asking for low income empoc in my state to answer some questions regarding health and such for a 5 dollar gift certificate. I answer truthfully, some of the stuff asks for addresses and such nbd, the gift certificate they're supposed to send never gets sent out (based on the users who told me about it got sent out rather quickly on completion) what a waste of time I think.
The next day I see I have a message on my Linkedin from a researcher in the survey telling me in effect not to troll their survey and I should know better with my credentials. I think 'this is some 'too many minorities doesn't compute, therefore you don't exist redditism shit'. I was fuming, now I can't help but laugh at, they study this for a living yet can't connect how bad it gets, and it sure doesn't fuck you went to college. Yes research is effected by the conditions it finds itself in, but good luck getting libs to wrap their heads around that.
I'll just say that I hope you're doing better now, @Othello@hexbear.net
Since last time we talked in DMs.
Take care!
