I'll come to to you, and lay myself upon the chopping block.

Do you want to hear the reason i stopped masking? The tldr is nihism but you can read on and hate the rest of what i write too.

When cocid first came out i was like most people working an "essential" position that really really wasnt, and i think i was probably still a radlib then (I fancy myself a baby commie now but id leave that for others here to gauge). I was absolutely dismayed when i saw first-hand proof that society as it is built does not care if we live or die. Like gobbed. You might say I'm still angry about it. I learned that there was no limit to how little they cared.

I had asked for basic, basic protections for us (in these early days when you couldn't even buy masks and hand sanitizer). I wanted these things provided because the large company had a better chance of procurement but they didn't even bother saying they couldn't, they just wouldn't because of "costs."

I also watched with dawning horror at the government who (laugh at this if you want, i do) i thought would at least protect their workforce. I thought at the very least they cared about the value i produced for their economy.

Who knew i was no cynic, but impossibly naive? They actually am fine if we die, they think of us as a bulk resource. Next guy up is just as good.

I'm sure this is a story so far everyone has experienced themselves.

Armed with all this new info i told my wife something i think was prescient but more knowledgeable folks will just say "duh" to, was "no matter how the government responds to this eventually it will be to put every bit of the response, and the responsibility onto the citizens."

Somehow, they would make it our fault, force the decision to be a personal one, their number one priority would be one of shifting the burden and the blame.

And so they did. They didn't provide proper mask info or masks at all, force companies to provide proper ppe, force businesses to comply. They made it a choice, and constantly allowed business to run as usual. Not only a choice, but they let it (allowed or on purpose) to be a matter of money. Managers of some businesses would not mask and would make fun of who did, front facing restaurants had their servers mask but had lax rules for employees out of view (and of course themselves). Again i am not surprising anyone I'm sure.

(All this time i masked up anyway. I believe (still believe) in their efficacy). I committed to masking. A friend lost a mother and another lost their grandma. (Before the vax). I committed to never taking a chance, never getting sick for myself, but even more for others who had weaker immune systems. I was so worried about this, especially as there was talk of silent carriers. I developed an anxiety disorder, long dormant (or ignored/self medicated) that could no longer be denied.

All around me of course, were people who should be more careful, old people and children, blah blah that i silently hated for living so free without knowing what i did for them.

Yes the masks triggered panic attacks, cuz they usually start when i feel like they're isnt enough AIR in the world. Yes i still wore them. More often i think my attacks would trigger initially at my dismay at the people around me not doing what they should to protect themselves regardless of what the government said compounded by my incandescent fury that the government was found exactly what i thought they would, fuck-all (besides blame shifting).

I kept wearing them after the vax came out. Even as so few others did.

I finally snapped when after all that work i still got COVID. I did what i could despite the others not doing it, and got it. But it wasn't just the fact i got it, it was the fact i am in fact a silent carrier. (The only way i even knew was i tested before a flight). I heard about free tests and signed up, but they never came. I went to the store and bought a few, but i couldn't do that every time. So my worst fears were true. The only way I'd ever know i have the virus is if i test, and testing all the time is not free. And i know now as you all know that this isn't going anywhere, it won't be beaten. Because of the fact our society needs money and disregards our lives means this is forever.

So i gave up. I won't sugar coat it. I'm not fucking proud of it. But i just... cannot accept the responsibility for everyone else on this, when the people who are are gleefully denying theirs. When i see how individual effort is superceded by the colossal efforts of the bougeoise working in tandem in their words and deeds to undermining our little efforts.

Because somehow now the mask has become intrinsically linked to their depravity and my helplessness, and i start having a panic attack when i feel the weight of both of them on my face. A mask to me, represents systemic failure and the failure of individuals to effectively combat it. It makes me angry, so, so angry when i feel it, when i see it.

I don't expect this will go over well, i just complained for 10 minutes about something y'all have the same experience on. I stopped masking, knowing the responsibility was on me, forced on me, and I ultimately made the decision to deny that it was mine.

Im sorry. I'm sorry that i couldn't do it anymore. When i see masked people i avoid them as much as possible for their safety. I don't go to large gatherings. I haven't done karaoke since before. (Singing into a shared mic is really bad i hear).

I accept your anger for my part in societies failure. I share your anger at our diminished lives (from so much more than COVID). I direct mine at the government, and the fact they deliberately put us in this position, and so easily made it our problem.