It's ruining my life. And the irony is it's the only way to dissociate from bad things. At least it seems like that's the only way. Feels like the snake that eats its own tail.
Edit: thank you all for the good advice and support. It means a lot. I love my comrades. 
I usually hit a point where I can't take it any more.
Buy an epic amount of soda water. Since I drink beer.
Drink the sodas and take edibles as needed.
Start reconnecting with family as now I have time to talk.
Lasts about a year and a half. Forget about my problem.
Go on vacation, drink again. Do that for three years.
Hit a point where I can't take it anymore.
...
Pounding the soda waters works great when you're really done, but yeah that's the cycle
I'm 5 years sober. Almost everyone I know who is in recovery from alcohol absolutely loves soda water. I'm no exception.