The fuck? Do I want to date or not? What is wrong with me?
Shit is dangerous to do, I've had guys get very pissed at me for this behaviour.
The fuck? Do I want to date or not? What is wrong with me?
Shit is dangerous to do, I've had guys get very pissed at me for this behaviour.
Hey comrade, I have been on the other side of something analogous; an ex did this to me. Don't want to go into detail but in short: it can be merely kinda annoying and confusing when someone you flirt with does it, but it's downright devastating when you've been dating someone for months and then all of a sudden they say they love you and then disappear because "love" is a scary thing and they're afraid to love someone. I was pissed at her; even though I understood she was probably just dealing with some serious trauma she also really hurt and violated me.
Best advice I can give you is: If you are exhibiting this behavioral pattern, please don't date until you get your shit sorted out because you're going to hurt someone. It's dangerous to others, and it may even be dangerous to you, because it's pretty natural for people to end up hating someone who hurts them badly. I seriously wish that ex had known she did this and hadn't dated me, and even though I know she was coming from a place of deep trauma I absolutely hold a grudge for what she put me through. It sounds like you're giving mixed messages before even getting together instead of months down the line so it's not quite the same, but the pattern is there -- you're just doing a milder form of it.
I'm not going to tell you to get therapy because a lot of therapists are actively harmful capitalist liberals, but it's good you're asking these questions and trying to figure it out. Have you been in abusive relationships before which may make it scary to get close to someone?
Are you me? Geez, same shit happened to me also. Only we had known each other and been friends for years prior to dating. Our big mouths tell each other ILY but that was the death blow for our relationship because she got scared too and disappeared. Like yours, she was also dealing with relationship trauma. I was pissed but said nothing because I too understood. But man, I live with that hurt too so I feel you on that.
Ouch that sounds heartbreaking, to have been friends for years and then date and then that happen </3 That's awful. Sorry that happened to you too but thank you for sharing, it helps me feel less alone with it.
It's weird, it's a pain that really lingers well past the desire to be with a person (it took some time but at this point I don't even like her or want anything to do with her now after she hurt me so bad). There's kind of a systemic factor at play too -- people get so traumatized by the general sexism and shittiness of society and then are too broken to make healthy connections and pass their pain on to others. Took me quite a while and a lot of processing before I could open up to anyone else and even consider dating again after what she put me through.
I hope you're doing better now
Hey Com, that's what we're here for. Knowing that "I'm not alone" is that 1st step to clearing out the hurt.
I tried dating again recently and I wasn't feeling it. I know in the back of my head I was comparing those other women to her. For now, I'm just gonna work on me and leave dating alone.
That's rough but I commend you for realizing you need to just focus on yourself for now, that's the right call to prevent hurting someone else. I hope you get to a better place and find the right person / people for you when the time is right!