The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love is a book by bell hooks about men, patriarchy, the relationship between them, and most importantly love. It's a book that I wish I had read much earlier, and so I decided to start a reading group. I'm a couple chapters in but will be re-reading (well, re-listening) to the chapters as we go through the book. This book is an empathetic look at masculinity, and focuses on learning how to love.
This idea was spawned by comrade @Othello@hexbear.net after I mentioned that I had been checking out the book and played the first chapter on Hextube. There is no need to pick up a copy, comrade Sen has already uploaded the entire audiobook onto Youtube. Content warnings are generously provided by Sen at the start of each chapter. Let's start with Chapter 1. Each chapter is only about 30 minutes long, so it's not a long commitment. I wanted to post this to c/menby but that didn't seem to work.
Uhh I don't know how to lead a reading group so let's start out with some questions:
-What stood out to you about this chapter?
-Are there any ideas that bell hooks introduces in this chapter that you've never heard of or wish you had heard earlier in your life?
-Are there any stories in this chapter that resonate with you on a personal level?
Ok I'm finally re-listening to this chapter and will be posting my thoughts. @Othello@hexbear.net you said you would do it too so let's do it.
One last thought: I feel like I've spent most of my critiques here shitting on 2010s pop feminism, so let's do a little shitting on Andrew Tate types. One revelation that was already in the back of my head that I was finally able to voice is that Andrew Tate and his ilk also hate men. They hate women, of course, and they are evil for it, but they also despise men and their own fanbase. These guys are constantly telling their fans that they are "beta males" and other such lies. The entire patriarchal reaction to feminism has basically just been to hate men all the more, for not living up to patriarchal standards. The patriarchy has always been like this, but Andrew Tate and his slimy ilk have amplified these trends in recent years as a backlash to feminism. How many times have you seen ads directed at men about how they aren't good enough?
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Nothing tells us more about the "hierarchies are natural" crowd more than the amount of effort they put in to creating artificial hierarchies where they're on the top and everybody else is below them.
"The reality is that men are hurting and the whole culture responds to them by saying, 'Please do not tell us how you really feel'".
This stuck out to me more than perhaps anything else in the chapter. The online culture war over feminism sparked ugly, ugly trends, things like "I hate men" becoming popular on Twitter and "male tears" mugs. So often I've felt like I just have to accept that type of "feminism" but maybe I don't. Maybe I'm right to not just be angry, but also to be sad at how hurting men became part of online culture.
The other part of this chapter that stuck out to me was this idea of a "fetish" of a strong, cold, unfeeling man, and crucially, that this is desired by some women in a patriarchal culture. I use the word fetish here because it is similar I feel to racial fetishes or other unhealthy stereotypes that bring out desire for the image of a person but distaste for the person inside. It's the answer to the eternal question of why women "go after assholes". That question is rather sexist in itself, but the reality is that a fetish is built up within society by the patriarchal culture that glorifies this lifestyle, and people's brains are molded with that fetish. I don't know if "fetish" is the right term here, kinky sex is mostly fine, but it was the word that came to me first.
Fear prevents us from love, bell says, and fear of men prevents love, and that fear often presents itself as hatred. See my other comment about the nastiness of early 2010s pop feminism.
Comrade Sen
Comrade Parenti: the eternal battle with the microphone
"The truth we do not tell is that men are longing for love"
That hits close to home for me.
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I do wish there was more in this book about the non-binary and trans experience with love. It is probably mostly due to the time the book was published, but I do wish there was a section on that.
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why not?
You can always cry together.
It's interesting how our separate takeaways say a lot about the course of our lives. I'm a lonely, single man and my time growing up during the 2010s influenced me heavily and thus all of those parts of the book stuck out to me more. Here, have a hug:
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Basically every word in this chapter hits. I can't just quote the entire book at you all but I thought I would mention that.
One idea that shocked me when I first heard it, so much that I was scared to even say it on here, was the idea that women also uphold patriarchy. How I wish this had been told to me in earlier classes on feminism!
"Our love helps, but is not enough" is such a compassionate and realistic approach to tackling patriarchy. Boys and men must also save themselves, but it is not done alone, nor is it done without the love of women.