Over estimate all work-related goals. You know it takes a day to get Task X done. Tell the boss it takes 3 if the wind is right and 5 if everything goes wrong.
Read your phone on the can. Take no less than 2 bathroom breaks a day.
This one is tricky but can reap huge benefits. Figure out when the first person to the office shows up and beat them by 10 minutes for at least a week, establishing you're first. Now start a PR campaign, telling people you show up an hour earlier than the first person in and that's why you leave at 2pm every day.
Tell your boss you have a child even if you don't. Now you literally have an excuse for everything.
Regularly complain about your computer not working even when it works fine. Blame missed work or lost hours on busted workstation and needing to interface with IT.
Pretend to engage in research. Take a notepad with you wherever you go and pretend to take notes so it looks like you're doing something when your socializing with your potential office fling.
Sabotage your boss' shit. This is tricky but a boss with a busted computer is less concerned with your whereabouts and deliverables. If your boss is a complete ivy league dipshit like mine is, swap the M and N key just to make them look stupid.
Establish a bagel day. Buy bagels during office hours.
Establish a weekly happy hour. Ensure it's right at or before quitting time which excuses everyone from when the boss asks "where is evertbody?"
Establish a recycling program. Dump recycling bins during work hours. Take the scenic route.
Convey to your boss you have a rare disease or allergy. This is particularly good if you have separate sick time versus PTO because you might be able to tap your otherwise untouchable sick leave due to your rare male version of HPV or what have you.
Start a bicycling/walking/team building club with some coworkers. Do not do this activity at lunch but on the company clock nevertheless. Tangent: make sure it's not Toastmasters because that shit sucks.
In seriousness, I used to think that until I did it. As long as you tell no one, you're fine. I'm also sure it set off a domino effect of other people covertly fucking with him. That means 3 or 4 people out of dozens or more employees are operating in unity with no comms, creating chaos that is effectively untraceable.
Honestly doing my work sounds easier than doing this. Your talents are wasted wherever you are. You should be a planner for central park day or something
This is a "Best Of" comp. I've been working in offices for 20+ years. I rarely do more than a few of these at any given time. Except for no. 1 - that shit is crucial.
Over estimate all work-related goals. You know it takes a day to get Task X done. Tell the boss it takes 3 if the wind is right and 5 if everything goes wrong.
Read your phone on the can. Take no less than 2 bathroom breaks a day.
This one is tricky but can reap huge benefits. Figure out when the first person to the office shows up and beat them by 10 minutes for at least a week, establishing you're first. Now start a PR campaign, telling people you show up an hour earlier than the first person in and that's why you leave at 2pm every day.
Tell your boss you have a child even if you don't. Now you literally have an excuse for everything.
Regularly complain about your computer not working even when it works fine. Blame missed work or lost hours on busted workstation and needing to interface with IT.
Pretend to engage in research. Take a notepad with you wherever you go and pretend to take notes so it looks like you're doing something when your socializing with your potential office fling.
Sabotage your boss' shit. This is tricky but a boss with a busted computer is less concerned with your whereabouts and deliverables. If your boss is a complete ivy league dipshit like mine is, swap the M and N key just to make them look stupid.
Establish a bagel day. Buy bagels during office hours.
Establish a weekly happy hour. Ensure it's right at or before quitting time which excuses everyone from when the boss asks "where is evertbody?"
Establish a recycling program. Dump recycling bins during work hours. Take the scenic route.
Convey to your boss you have a rare disease or allergy. This is particularly good if you have separate sick time versus PTO because you might be able to tap your otherwise untouchable sick leave due to your rare male version of HPV or what have you.
Start a bicycling/walking/team building club with some coworkers. Do not do this activity at lunch but on the company clock nevertheless. Tangent: make sure it's not Toastmasters because that shit sucks.
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In seriousness, I used to think that until I did it. As long as you tell no one, you're fine. I'm also sure it set off a domino effect of other people covertly fucking with him. That means 3 or 4 people out of dozens or more employees are operating in unity with no comms, creating chaos that is effectively untraceable.
The bagel thing is really smart, honestly. Bribing your coworkers with food is an easy way to get them to like you.
Honestly doing my work sounds easier than doing this. Your talents are wasted wherever you are. You should be a planner for central park day or something
This is a "Best Of" comp. I've been working in offices for 20+ years. I rarely do more than a few of these at any given time. Except for no. 1 - that shit is crucial.