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I sometimes really want to emigrate. I'm not sure if this site and a few others have brainwashed me with communist brainworms but I can't help feeling that this country just sucks ass. I don't like the people all that much, I don't like the weird racialized dynamic, I don't like being treated differently just because of my skin color despite pledging allegiance to the same stupid flag everyone else did everyday
Like just thinking about not having health insurance in a few months because of no longer being covered by my dads plan is like, what the fuck. I want to try to get diagnosed with ADHD and I basically won't because I put it off so long not realizing I may have it. My older brother insists that I don't actually need health insurance, and that the USA has more freedoms than Europe and that everything south of the border is basically a savage wasteland because "Mexicans are quitters" and all this other shit insisting that racism isn't real and that Mexican Americans are just brown white people and you just gotta act white.
It's late and I can't collect my thoughts all that great, but as I get older there's just so many things that piss me off. The overall attitudes towards the poor, including towards themselves (my older brother blaming my parents poverty on poor choices as opposed to both of them being raised by illiterate parents in 3rd world slums and then immigrating to this dump), the weird bootstraps rhetoric, the weird loneliness despite how fucking crowded it is here sometimes, the unwillingness to do anything positive ever because I mean you just can't...
The rest of the West doesn't seem much better in that regard, nor does anywhere else really since capitalism is essentially world dominating but I've just been deeply disillusioned by the last two years, and I was already growing increasingly unsatisfied before that. I would just sit in traffic on the way to school and think, "is this all there fucking is? Just sitting in my car and going to some shitty job that I don't even like?"
I kinda just want to leave but sometimes when I think about all this communism shit I think I've just gone completely off the deep end. TrueAnon? Citations Needed? Alan Dershowitz? Allende? The Right to Be Lazy? C-M-C? Adrian Zenz? are any of those things real?
I genuinely hate working. I'm a bit strange in that I have some views that would be considered idealist but like, why does no one else seem as ridiculously unhappy with this whole country and way of life as I am? Ever since I started working, I've always thought: "Does everyone just accept the fact that we're meat-robots who will pass into a dreamless night after working the drive thru for FORTY FUCKIN YEARS?"
Does no one ever stop to like think about what it means to be human? All of this seems insane to me. Most people seem to be happy here. They have freedom, there is no authoritarian regime watching our every move and there is a McDonalds on every street corner. Am I the insane one?
I think I'm too emotional, too bleeding heart. I think I should follow my brothers advice and finish my degree and just accept that some people make bad choices and should be condemned to suffering for the rest of their brief lives, and never question my own station or relation to this weird structure that seems to have always been here.
in Limmy voice
Ah don't get it.
And I mean I really can't state this hard enough, I really genuinely feel like I've fucking lost it. I was kind of dumb 4chan "muh diversity in video games" idiot for a while but I realized most people there would exterminate me due to my ethnic persuasion despite being "based" and the views I have now just are so detached from normalcy I feel like it's genuinely aberrant to give a shit about anything. Animals? Fuck em. The poor, the homeless? Fuck em. The environment? Fuck em. Being treated with dignity at work? Fuck em. I open my mouth to say something like,
"Hey did you know that technology keeps progressing yet we're still locked in this weird fucking medieval relationship were some rich pedophiles can launch into fucking space while the average person can't even get their goddamn teeth fixed during a global pandemic almost nobody even thinks is a real? Like, we could just feed and house everyone but we don't like isn't that crazy? Why do I have to work so much to procure an existence? Why does material success have to be this weird fucked up game of Twister with ever changing rules where if you aren't a specific role you're doomed to destitution? Oh you do something useful like a janitor? Fuck you, you don't get to eat. Isn't that crazy?"
I get looked at like I just fucked their mom. I am not kidding, sometimes I wanna drive off a cliff just because I think it's all 100% bullshit. Maybe all the reactionaries are right. What do I know? I dropped out of highschool.
You hit so many great points there. I also feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. Like, all the time. Is anything real? There seems to be history that is taught, then there's the history covered in left wing spaces, trueanon, citations needed, all the stuff you mentioned before. The existence of Alan Dershowitz or the reality of the Bush family. Like, is that stuff really true?
I also have noone to talk to about it other than here -- and none of it seems to affect day to day life, but does explain a lot about the "ruling" rich class.
So, overall, can you join a local organization? Find some real people who are doing stuff to help locally and build community and parallel infrastructure. Learn about the local reality on the ground. I think that will help put things in perspective.
Caring about good things can only make you this crazy in bad country because you're constantly surrounded by propaganda and enthusiasts to the contrary. I don't know if you've encountered the concept of Capitalist Realism, but I think it conceptually describes why you're worried you're gaslighting yourself. You're not. I also fantasize about "running away" from the u.s. That's not crazy either.