Holiday season slowed down progress again, but the series is finally back, in time for the New Year!

The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love is a book by bell hooks about men, patriarchy, the relationship between them, and most importantly love. There is no need to pick up a copy, comrade Sen has already uploaded the entire audiobook onto Youtube. Content warnings are generously provided by Sen at the start of each chapter, however, they may not be as extensive as one might provide on here. This time we are doing Chapter 5, on male sexuality, which I am rather excited for.

Discuss-

-What stood out to you about this chapter?
-Are there any ideas that bell hooks introduces in this chapter that you've never heard of or wish you had heard earlier in your life?
-Are there any stories in this chapter that resonate with you on a personal level?

Previous Chapter Discussions
Chapter 1 discussion
Chapters 2 and 3 discussion
Chapter 4 discussion
Chapter Four (the song)

  • dolores_clitoris [none/use any]
    ·
    10 months ago

    Some quotes from chapter 5:

    • "men come to sex hoping that it will provide them with all of the emotional satisfaction that would come from love. Most men think that sex will provide them with a sense of being alive, connected, that sex will offer closeness, intimacy, pleasure. More often than not sex simply does not deliver the goods. This fact does not lead men to cease obsessing about sex; in fact, it intensifies their lust and their longing."
    • "sexist logic had convinced them and convinced them that they can have connection and intimacy without commitment"
    • "almost everyone believes that we can have sex without love, most folks do not believe that a couple can have love in a relationship if there is no sex"
    • "women are the targets for displaced male rage at the failure of patriarchy to make good on it's promise of fulfillment, especially endless sexual fulfillment"
    • "Men may be too terrified to confront the facts of their lives and tell the truth, that possessing the right to engage in rituals of domination and subordination is not all that patriarchy promised it would be. If patriarchy were a disease, it would be a disease of disordered desire"
    • "socialising women to conform more to patriarchal male sexual norms is one way patriarchy hopes to address male rage"

    This chapter opened with a bang. It led me to think (for the first time in a while) about the one-night-stand and how depressing my one-night-stand experiences have all been. I disagree with Hooks, these experiences did not intensify my lust or longing for (casual) sex. Fortunately for me, I decided the best option was to form a connection before introducing sex into the equation.

    The points raised about male rage stemming from the absolute failure of patriarchal masculinity to provide a meaningful existence for men has been made before in a range of texts; however, this is the first time I have read of the indoctrination of women (through porn and popular culture) into patriarchal male sexual norms being used as a tool to address male rage.

    • D61 [any]
      ·
      10 months ago

      Patriarchy says, "Be a part of our gang and you'll be better than those outside of the gang."

      Than Patriarchy says, "Hey, you're new to the gang so we're gonna shit on you no matter what you do."

      It makes sense to me that there would be frustration at "following the rules of being in the Patriarchy" and "still not winning the respect you were promised by being a member of Patriarchy."

      • dolores_clitoris [none/use any]
        ·
        10 months ago

        Not winning respect is part of the story, but the book is focusing more on the love, fulfillment and emotional satisfaction that is surrendered in order to fit into this patriarchal society. I can imagine there are a lot of "respected" people who are emotionally bankrupted by this system. Luckily, ignoring this system doesn't mean that you can't keep or grow how much you are respected; the people who respect you will be the thing that changes.

        • D61 [any]
          ·
          10 months ago

          Yeah, but trying to walk away from Patriarchy means you're making yourself a pariah to a huge chunk of the system. Which does make it a harder sell.