I was raised Catholic, not hardcore Catholic or anything, but Catholic.

So like all religions, I was told that my existence/life, just by virtue of existing, ultimately had a higher purpose/meaning.

As I got older, especially high-school and after, I increasingly became agnostic (An agnostic theist to be specific) and eventually stopped identifying as Christian all-together. And now, these last few years, I've been transitioning from that to full-on atheism.

I'm not 100% there though, and I'm not sure I ever will be. Because no matter how hard I try, there's this part of me that simply can't/won't fully accept the possibility that my existence/life really and truly is pointless, even though I know that's the most likely scenario.

It's like being given the softest, warmest blanket you've ever felt in your life, the idea that you're here for a reason and that after it's over you'll get to see and be with all the people you've loved and lost in your life forever...

...and then having it ripped from you and thrown outside into a blizzard, that it was all a lie.

And no matter what I've been told by others to try and replace that blanket, whether it's been stuff like "You give your life meaning." or "Just have fun while you're here.", none of it has actually made me feel better, no matter how hard I try.

It's like some Lovecraft shit: I've seen the horrible truth, but my mind simply cannot fully comprehend/accept it, and thus I'm slowly going mad from the revelation.

If I had been raised atheist from birth, I think I'd be handling all this better. It's the fact that I once believed existence/life had an ultimate meaning, and had that taken away from me, that's creating this conflict.

If I had never been given that blanket and known it's warmth, and was instead just born into the blizzard, I'd be better off right now.

  • qublic69 [none/use name]
    ·
    4 years ago

    I have read plenty of philosophers on this issue; Schopenhauer, Chioran, Camus, so many others....
    But found that it pays to be concrete, to take this out of the realm of abstractions, and understand this as a human problem.

    Sometimes this works.

    I like to think of life as a finite cake.
    It is not a very good cake. But the fact it is not infinite, that does not mean I should reject it. So I can choose to eat and appreciate it anyway.

    I’ve seen the horrible truth, but my mind simply cannot fully comprehend/accept it, and thus I’m slowly going mad from the revelation.

    We are like beavers, we are building a dam. But a flood is coming, and everything will be wiped away.
    There is a beavers who knows this, and she tells the other beavers, and they despair.

    With their work now meaningless, they stop building the dam.

    This is what it means for something to be meaningless: that motivation is gone, that it should be gone.
    The beavers, to survive and reproduce, must build another dam somewhere else. Natural selection decides the emotions we feel in response to a theoretical oblivion.

    The conflict you feel is not a theoretical or philosophical one, but one of instinct and emotion.
    You are torn between a belief that everything will become as nothing, and emotion to give up, and an organism that will search endlessly for new rivers to dam.

    There is a link in this chain that must be broken.
    It is nothing useful, profound, or necessary to give up on everything you could possibly care about, abandoning everyone you love, and everything you ever laughed about.
    The devaluing of life is an instinctive emotional response; it is wrong, and it is evil.

    If you can conclude that, then you might find the rational thing to do is stop staring at that oncoming flood.
    Not because you are in denial, but because that instinctive response is arbitrary, harmful, and useless.
    It is like any other atrocity, there is no need for ignorance, or sugarcoating; but there is nothing to be gained from traumatizing and demotivating ourselves by staring into the abyss forever.
    Watching endless tapes of police brutality would not make my responses any more rational.

    after it’s over you’ll get to see and be with all the people you’ve loved and lost in your life forever

    Some of us were promised infinite cake, and we mourn that loss, and it can weigh heavy upon us.
    But we never had that infinite cake, it never existed. We never lost anything. There was never a contract, only a lie.

    We did not lose our illusions, but rather saw through them. Fantasy is still available if we wish to have it, to suspend our disbelief is no crime.

    You are fighting an emotion, not an idea. You suffer from loss aversion.

    Because no matter how hard I try, there’s this part of me that simply can’t/won’t fully accept the possibility that my existence/life really and truly is pointless, even though I know that’s the most likely scenario.

    I like to think of life as a bicycle parking rack.
    It is just a thing. It has no use beyond itself. But it is still useful.

    I like to think of life as a violin concert.
    It does not last forever. There is no use for it besides what is inherent. Would you rather be at a violin concert, or just not exist?

    If you died, would you choose to be reincarnated, only for short while, to hear and see the violin concert?
    I wouldn't mind hearing something like this again, listen to it: Saltillo - Following Evelyn

    The dam you are building is the present moment, stretching out into the future.
    That is where you will have to find your meaning and motivation.
    If the present moment is not valuable, then an eternity of it could not be valuable either.

    It’s like being given the softest, warmest blanket you’ve ever felt in your life,

    The warm blanket was inside you all along. Those emotions are yours, they do not belong to any religion.

    You do not give your life meaning; it does not need meaning, meaning is a spook. A cake, bicycle parking rack, or violin concert does not need meaning.
    You are not here to have fun, you are here by accident. If you want a purpose, then make it to fight for what we can have, for what does exist.
    To fight for the material conditions that constitute an acceptable, dignified, and authentic life; for everyone, including the beavers.

    This is materialism, this is what materialism entails; your thoughts and emotions are the consequences of material facts.
    You are not engaged in mere abstractions. Your mind does not live on some idealist plane of existence.
    The meaning of life is not an abstract question, it is embodied like all other questions.
    And you do not have a coherent definition of meaning with which to pose that question abstractly anyway.

    I am adding another song, but give yourself time to process first if you think any of this stuff has mattered to you:
    of Montreal - You Do Mutilate?