I am dying, and my death is completely preventable. My deterioration has two causes. The first is the poverty: the lack of care and financial support for someone like me on disability assistance. The second is the abdication of care, as I battle a 40-year war with a post-viral syndrome, the treatments for which my […]
I don't care about what drugs will make me feel 30% less like shit half of the time.
I told myself I'd stop depression posting and just wait to die.
No one in real space cares, they just care about what I can provide for them. Everything is on me to figure out, to solve this by myself and All I've done my entire life is fail. After 15 years of having nothing, now my mother is concerned now that I have a decent job instead of just beating me down constantly for being a failure. All I am useful to anyone is as cheap labor, my problems are my fault and up to me to fix.
I don't care anymore. Their are plenty of other comrades that can take my place. No one will miss me, only my labor.
Tbh I understand. I've been chronically depressed for a similar amount of time and I have no expectation that my life will ever really be good. I struggle to understand why my parents decided to have a kid when they were fully aware of their family histories of chronic depression, and I struggle even more to understand how they justified being unkind and unsupportive when their kid predictably developed chronic depression. They must rationally know that depression is an actual disorder with a physiological basis, but they only act like it's a moral failing. And that aside, the world is a grotesque abattoir of suffering. I hate it and it alienates me from most people because they can just ignore it and I can't. I'm not afraid of dying at this point and I get a lot of peace from thinking about it.
But I finally found some drugs that work and now I can at least enjoy sitting outside in the sun and reading a book like when I was a kid, and honestly that goes a long way. I had completely forgotten what it even felt like. I hadn't felt it for over half my life.
I'm not real impressed with doctors and therapists. They overlooked some pretty obvious stuff. Like they never checked my vitamins and apparently I have an issue with absorbing B12, which is associated with chronic depression, fatigue, anxiety, sleep problems, and a bunch of other serious stuff. And it's common. It's maddening because it's a vitamin that has no known toxicity level, so they could just tell people to try it and see if it helps, but they just want to immediately put you on SSRI's and do nothing else. Fucking useless pricks. And the therapists just give you the same advice over and over even if it isn't working after years of trying it.
Anyway, I'm trying to get some data on this B12 thing from friends and acquaintances, so if you want to do me a solid, go down to the store and grab some daily 1000mcg daily sublingual B12 tablets and let me know if they do anything for you. I find that the methylcobalamin form works better for me than the cyanocobalamin form, but some people find the opposite.
In any case, I sympathize with everything you said. I feel like I'm mostly living just to see what the cool zone looks like at this point.
I think I need to get off of Hexbear for a while. While their are people that have shown they care, their are also people that make my depression worse for not agreeing with them.
Yeah, social media has been a pretty negative influence on my mental health, honestly. I rely on it for distraction and social interaction, but I don't think it really even does that very well.
Last week I used a browser extension to limit my screen time to 15 minutes per day except for Wikipedia. I still used a lot of screen time, but at least reading Wikipedia was better for my mental health than getting in arguments or getting mad at random opinions. Although it had the side effect of making me feel more lonely and empty after a day or two, which I guess is what I'm using social media to avoid.
So I've been experimenting with pen pal apps. They're designed to limit the rate at which you can exchange messages so as to encourage long form, thought-out letters. It's honestly been a lot nicer than shiposting. Although I have to keep forcing myself to do it because my attention span's just not that great anymore.