TW: suicide
Don't want to hurt abusers, but I do want to be able to hurt them and choose not to. I think it'd help me if I gained the ability to imagine physical vengeance. I want this to end in forgiveness.
It's long been unsustainable for me to be a martyr. I waste my life away in maladaptive daydreaming where I imagine helping my past abusers. I've attempted suicide over the grief of past events, which gave me CPTSD and OCD.
I've had multiple physical abusers, and can barely imagine hurting them. I need to build the ability to imagine attacking. I think if I can imagine hurting my attackers and physically punishing them, including just for my own vindictive fun, then maybe I can gain the ability to actually forgive them.
Currently, I imagine giving them what they want, and then magically figuring out a compromise with them where they change their minds and stop being an abuser. (Like dating someone who sees me as a piece of meat, and using the relationship to change their mind so they're not a shithead anymore.) I think that's not actual forgiveness, it's just bending to their will. I cycle through these maladaptive daydreams of self-sacrificing for the benefit of the inhumane, and waste my life in suicidal grief. I'm skipping something crucial...
...I realize cannot truly forgive without making a choice to not hurt them. I think I need to first imagine brutal vengeance. Not to act it out, but as a step to expressing myself differently before I attempt forgiveness.
A friend has also been trying to train me in MMA, but I won't hit for real. I won't spar with them even though I know its good for me. I just imagine stopping danger through compromises that don't actually exist.
One session I hit a bag for real. I was down to punch after someone had attempted to assault me days earlier. Being vindictive seriously helps, and imagining torturing and annihilating the predator was a huge help.
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Hating is the only thing that's taken me out of paralysis and led me hitting for real. Instead of with crooked wrists. It would start my progress to what you're saying, but hate also seems unsustainable for me because I experience it as an intense burst of energy that feels scary for me. So aside from hate, I need an alternate fuel for training.
That's true for me. At best, imaginary vengeance could only be deemed as good enough for my present goals. In reality, I could never do my desire. Which is to make things to have never had happened in the first place. But no one can give that to me. So I just fantasize throwing my trauma out my head and into theirs for them to keep and suffer from. That's impossible too. I think my best outlet is using hate to fuel training for self defense and a safe form of self expression.
I think trying to shame people for wanting to drop a piano on somebody is extemely annoying and I see it happen constantly, it makes me want to drop a piano on people. I think you should be able to drop a church organ on people but yeah you get me, conserve your energy.
If it helps I am quoting a modern Axis of Resistance guy, and I really think there is wisdom in what he's saying despite the emote. It's more about the hand gesture Conover is making in it. ☝️