Right, so now I have to do the thing where I say that this is not representative of Brazilian pizza, objectively the best pizza in the entire world. The guy is making a mess of it, we're way better than that.

The white thing he's spreading is called catupiry (pronounced kah-too-pee-ree, tapping the last R sound) and is the great wildcard of Brazilian fast food. If it's shitty and you know it, just add catupiry and you're good to go. It's like cream cheese, but more fatty, with a really enjoyable texture and flavor.

We make the best pizza because of our "fuck it" approach to toppings.

Want a classic mozzarella pizza? Alright, not feeling very imaginative, are we?

Sliced sausage? Shredded chicken (with catupiry, of course )? Four different kinds of cheese? We gotchu.

How about beef stroganoff? Hell yeah, here you go, have some shoestring fries with that too.

Oh, so you think a pizza is not a proper meal? Well, fuck you, here's lunch, but served on a fucking pizza crust . Happy now?

If you're going to order a pizza, why not get dessert as well? Here, have this white/dark chocolate pizza, with some sprinkles on top. Oh, not a fan of chocolate? Here, how about this banana meringue pizza? Or maybe this coconut fudge pizza, that we call beijinho, "little kiss".

You think you guys are hot shit being racist to Italians putting pineapple on pizza? Oh, that's cute. We add pineapple, cherries, figs, plums and canned peaches to ours. Get real.

Buddy, we turn offending Italians into a fucking art form.