I’ve said for the longest time that it’s like being a prisoner in my own head because I have so much emotional retention. Only now am I beginning to discover that is because of years of being afraid to express how some of that stuff made me feel. Because most “men” or whatever would toughen up and not let it bother them. So I can’t tell if it’s toxic masculinity which traumatized me or autism. Maybe a little of column A and a little of column B
But as an adult, I am inherently people-pleasing, struggle with decisions, have extremely low self-confidence and act like I don’t even exist, etc
I relate to every word of this. Every. Word.
I'm trying to comfort myself with consideration of the fact that people generally behave like assholes, so it's okay if people generally don't like me, what do those jerks know anyway, right?
Except there's that instinctive, crushing fear that comes with that isolation, because if something goes terribly wrong, I know having a limited social circle of people who barely like me is a dangerous situation. Unfortunately, it seems like "having a limited social circle of people who barely like me" is a pretty common situation for autistic people, so I kinda feel a little doomy about it.
Trying to determine if “unmasking” is actually worth it :/
Tried to “come out” to one of my good friends and it’s clear that those of use with relatively low support needs are seen as completely “normal”
God I hate it
Yeah this is kinda where I'm at right now. I don't know anybody who isn't married or related to me who isn't repulsed by my unmasked behavior.
I've just been isolating as much as possible and unmasking then. I know it's not a long-term solution, but it's all I've got.
I used to not need very much support, but I had a couple all-timer level traumatic events in 2022 that really fucked up my ability to deal (and tarnished some favorite coping mechanisms, like "be outdoors" and "play with dog"), and now perimenopause is hitting and the hormones are wrecking what little control and clarity I had left.
I'm still trudging along, but it does really fucking suck, and I need to see some light at the end of this tunnel sometime soon.