You receive an invitation to a screening of a new movie, you hear it’s about “Left media figures.” You decide to go, ironically of course, so you can live tweet the film.
The theater’s packed. The lights go down. A voice calls out “Avenger’s Assemble.” The screen floods with light, a triumphant blast of music fills the room. Rachel Maddow strides confidently down a corridor, and behind her John Oliver, and behind him Trevor Noah. They enter a room and sit at a table. Across from them a man stands, his back to them, staring pensively out a window. The man turns to face them.
It’s Jon Stewart, with an eyepatch.
“This is no time to mince words,” Jon says. “Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, and Donald Trump are meeting with the League of Trolls at a secret lodge in the Mongolian steppes. These are the greatest enemies of freedom in the world but I know that, together, we can stop them. With your brave reporting, we will rally the people to restore sanity and protect democracy!”
The libs in the theater around you are whooping and cheering. You hear some sobbing. But not you. You can’t move. You are frozen in your seat, skull pounding, heart racing.
The invitation was a trick. You see that now, too late. Hidden in the film was a mind virus, and now it is killing you. It is eating through your brain, each dying neuron sending out a burst of pain like a supernova just behind your eyes. You think you cannot endure the pain. You feel wet down your face and you know it is not tears but blood. Your only relief is that soon this will be over, soon the virus will have done its work and you will sink down into eternity.
Then the pain is gone.
“They may have gotten away with Russiagate, but this time they’re ours,” Maddow says.
You remember that you dislike her, but you cannot remember why. It seems ridiculous that you could when seeing her like this, strong and proud, every inch of her a hero of peace and freedom.
You wait respectfully until the movie is finished to take out your phone and tweet to all 10 of your followers.