"Comparison is the thief of joy," as they say, but it's not as simple as knowing that and being immediately freed from its clutches.

I looked up a former friend from high school today and found she's now super successful with her own startup doing cool science shit that might actually improve people's lives. When I look at my own life and what I've done in the same time it feels so insignificant, worthless even.

Normally I'm content to just chug along my path and try my best to better the world, but I've got some wounds surrounding this friend and our falling out (largely due to my own insecurities and inability to reconcile my unrequited crush on her :cringe: ) that never healed. Even thinking about her makes me feel so wretched, and all the more hateful towards myself for feeling that way, for being so weak and ill-accomplished. Is there anything to do but just try to block it out of my mind? I wish I could tear out and burn the piece of me that cares about this.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who's responded to this. Talking about it has helped me feel a lot better and think about some goals for how I want my life to go and what I want to prioritize moving forward. Who knew internet strangers could be so helpful?

  • kristina [she/her]
    ·
    2 years ago

    Took me a long time to sort of cope with this.

    cw: trauma

    spoiler

    So when I was raped my brain just melted. Couldn't take tests of any kind (including job interviews, god, I have bombed so many). Really messed up my train of thought, I regularly zone out and can hardly hold a sustained, coherent thought anymore, so much so that if I'm talking with someone, I can only say around 2 sentences before losing myself as the thought eventually hits my brain's trauma wall. That delayed my life significantly, including meaning I gotta suffer a lot cause I never got the surgeries I need, so I would feel extreme jealousy at people that weren't forced into fucked up situations like I was. Eventually through the power of extreme lying and having a literal earpiece so a friend can coach me as I say things like I'm some sort of Bond villain's marionette, I got a decent job and have held it down for a while now. It helps people and stuff. But even when I'm helping people, its all faceless so it doesn't even feel like I am helping. No one knows I'm helping them. It feels insignificant. Personally, I care far more about my interpersonal relationships. Ultimately, nothing matters, death comes for us all, and life is nothing but pain and struggle. But I find it useful to help people I meet have a little bit less pain and struggle in their lives. Sometimes that just means giving a sick friend a free room for a few months or something. I literally did that and helped wipe their ass and stuff and clean some wounds. Seeing them get even a little, minuscule bit better holds a special place in my heart that gives me some meaning. Oh, and also if you find yourself thinking about this too much, I suggest sleeping medications. I only get fucked up thoughts when I don't sleep well or something hits me bad.

    • RION [she/her]
      ·
      2 years ago

      Thank you so much for sharing this. I really do want to help people close to me but I've had trouble cultivating those relationships, especially since moving back home after graduation. I think I need to make it more of a project to connect with my community and find valuable connections.

      Also wanted to say that I love your posts and comments! Idk what it is but they just hit different, especially when you talk about your partner it's very wholesome and makes my day better :stalin-heart:

      • kristina [she/her]
        ·
        2 years ago

        Yeah I know it can be harder for masc identifying people to get that sort of vibe going. My bf included, he pretty much pours everything he has into helping me. Sort of a trickle down effect though lmao. Wheres the Reagan salute emoji