Suddenly remembered the time a Nazi tried to groom me into fascism as a teenager. That was a formative experience I probably habitually underestimate the importance of.
Dude was pretty smart in many ways. He ended up teaching me all the high level strategy of how to infiltrate social and government institutions and get away with fascist crimes by sniffing out sympathizers among the police and using the legal system to hide. Also taught me how to use people politically without relying on them to cover you, basically gave me the whole playbook. And a lot of practical fun things that would be useful in Minecraft. And many more things besides.
For some reason he taught me the "how" before he really taught me much of the "why". He just assumed I'd be on board when he "dropped the black pill" because I'm white.
He tried to make a dramatic reveal but I was not impressed. He taught me all this stuff only to end with "it was all da jewz all along" which was just like :confusion: . My reaction seemed to rattle him a bit, like I ruined his plans.
He ended getting a job :fedposting: not long after I stopped talking to him. He had been trying for a while at that point though. No I'm not joking. And he very explicitly many times told me the only reason he would ever get a job like that is to be an inside man to do fascist shit.
Weird thing is he was an insanely effective and knowledgeable teacher. If he wasn't a Nazi he would be a pretty cool dude. I don't like thinking about it, probably why I had forgotten about that whole thing.
This has been my weekly hexbear therapy post thanks I'm fucked up for a lot of reasons
I mean I just didn't think about the dude basically at all for years so I guess I did if I felt the need to push it out of my mind. I feel like the guy was probably more openly fascist than I remember and I must have been uncomfortably on board with it if he taught me that much. But I don't remember being that awful. Maybe successfully made myself forget. Idk.
Well, that sounds exactly like a certain kind of traumatic experience imo. Not knowing quite what to make of it but going along with it because you don't know what else to do and "uncomfortably onboard." Maybe I'm reading too much of my own stuff into it, but the fact you don't remember it all that well and likely made yourself forget is pretty damn telling I would think. Fucking fascists.
I have some weird DID like stuff going on so maybe I killed the fascist inside me and live in his corpse. Or am squatting in his shell? Many different ways of conceptualizing it. Very morbid.
I'm not 100% sure what that means, but...
I would consider that a complete win, and a genuine growth of spirit and self. Let that corpse fall away like the shedding of a grotesque skin, a sloughing off of lies for the sake of recognizing the deeper reality of empathy and compassion that was always there in you beneath the hateful shit he was trying to use to paint over and on top of you.
edit. sorry if that's cornball bs. I just kinda identify in a weird, unrelated way and that's what popped up. apologies.
Ok, so something just clicked. You know the weirdly always sincere and almost entirely unironic posting style I have? That I'm sure many people recognize? I think I may have killed the part of me that was insincere because he was a Nazi. Or I just have brain damage.
I've had multiple complete personality changes in my life, and every time they happened I had a very hazy memory of anything that happened before. Like literally hundreds of hours logged in video games I have no memory of playing, files on my computer I clearly made but have zero memory of. Spooky shit. Plus a lot of stuff I won't get into here that are clearly not normal mental functions. Like I have a little diary that I have a mental breakdown whenever I try to read it and I don't know what's in it despite knowing I've read it at least a few times and obviously I fucking wrote it.
Oversharing a tad here but whatever I can't afford a therapist. Anyone I've tried has booted me off. Also very hazy memories of those.
All I know is that I think you're awesome and I love your posts/comments. You rock and I would bet my (albeit meager) life savings you're not brain damaged. But if you're having the kind of issues you describe, it might maybe worth it talking to a professional who knows about dissociative disorder. I have some dissociative tendencies a little bit here and there, and some of what you're saying sounds kinda familiar. I may be way off base, and I know it. Just a thought from one comrade to another. Maybe worth pursuing.
As for therapists, obviously I don't know where you are. But in most places there are sliding scale ones that can be found with a little diligence. I was able to find one for $20 a week, which... was not cheap for me, but it turned out to be worth it in my case.
It's worth a shot. I don't entirely remember why they didn't work out the last few times, but I know it didn't go well before.
The more I think about it the more I think this is actually getting worse. Time has been flying by in a way that feels suspiciously like literal time gaps and not days going by fast in the metaphorical sense. And a few other things seem off. I also feel like I'm being overly dramatic but if anyone told me the shit I was saying I'd be like "dude wtf". That's probably normal all things considered.
Thanks for the advice and support. Def got some shit to unpack.
Finding the right one is imperative. Like in every other aspect of humanity, a lot of them just plain suck. But that doesn't mean there aren't really good ones out there that could really help.
If it's getting worse, it's important to identify why that's happening and prevent it from keeping on in that direction. For your own future, your own life. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be presumptuous, I'm just going by what I know. But I really do think that if these things are worsening for you, it's all the more imperative you find out why and reverse it. You have a life to live and if it's passing you by without you even knowing what happened (gaps) then you're missing out on your own experience. I missed out on so much of mine and I deeply regret it. You're not being overly dramatic (and honestly, I question if there even is such a thing. The most profound experiences are dramatic if nothing else). I don't know, there' so much wrong with me, I feel like a imposter trying to offer "advice." Just saying what I know from my own shit. Yada yada, 'cliche about having only one life to live' but... it really is fucking true.
I wonder if you showed it to someone else and had them explain to you what's in it if that would circumvent whatever mental block is on the physical book itself. Obviously that takes a lot of trust though, it would have to be someone very close, or a therapist or something along those lines.
I'm really curious about what it is but idk if that's something worth getting into. I have a friend I almost trust to do it but idk.