almost every etiquette discussion about who is "allowed" to say which words is built on flawed assumptions. there is no one stopping you. there is no authority policing your slur usage. there are no language rules passed down to us from atop mount sinai from social justice yahweh, no parents to wash our tongues out with soap.

the actual relevant questions are: what do we gain? who do we harm? someone who we decide is not "allowed" (perhaps because they don't have certain symptoms or one of a number of diagnoses) might have still been abused with that word. someone who is "allowed" might say r*tard, and their saying it might still trigger someone else's trauma from the neglect and degradation of living in a cruelly ableist society. but does that negate the slur sayer's aspiration to "reclaim" the slur, to rob it of some of its strength and glory in their imperviousness to the verbal abuse of obnoxious assholes? do we have to decide that one or the other's feelings and lived experience and identity are "invalid"?

that said it's not one of the fun ones for me and i almost exclusively use it for compulsive self castigation.