I think hexbear users(pr maybe just me and I'm projecting) are just freakishly earnest. Communists are loathe to hide as they say, and everyone here pursues meaningful and honest connections(for the most part). I know I do worse romantically because rather than try to ease my way closer to someone I just ask them out point blank, and people think this is weird. I know if I was less honest about my intentions I might do better, but i don't want to live like that, trying to befriend someone just to ask them out later. I wouldn't want someone unable to appreciate my honesty in just deciding to act on my feelings quickly rather than playing games.
This can be a problem itself -- when it's not clear if what you're doing is a date or hanging out as friends. If you want to go on a date with someone, I think it helps to use that word when you're asking.
It’s helpful specifically because so many people try to do the friendship-then-romance thing. It sucks to think you’re making a friend and then it turns out they’ve been working up to a romance the whole time when you’re not interested. A lot of the time, they will just break off the relationship altogether
I get to know if we're compatible by dating. Like, that is literally the point of dating is finding out if you are compatible. What's a friendly date? a date is a date, no two ways about it.
its just you and another person doing an activity or hanging out together without any expectation of romantic action. light flirtatious touching and cute eye glances is probably the furthest you would go. they're nice there's no pressure try to "make the move" and you can just vibe with eachother.
now maybe you'd say "that's just being friends" but tbh these days I feel like going out and getting dinner (or something similar) with someone 1-on-1 for a few hours can be pretty emotionally intimate. I don't think I would be comfortable doing that with most of my "normal" friends, as we almost always socialize in groups.
That is just being friends. When someone is really past the stage of acquaintance in good terms into a real friend we hang out one on one frequently. I find it easier to just hang out with one person because I don't have to try to divide my attention or be just as funny and engaging to multiple people. If I just wanna chat with friend A all night, I don't have to worry about excluding friend B this way.
Also, I am not touching someone I'm not explicitly dating but could be. We might be in different age groups, or just different subcultures, but it would be very weird, intrusive behavior to just be touching someone that I might be interested from their point of view.
I know if I was less honest about my intentions I might do better, but i don’t want to live like that, trying to befriend someone just to ask them out later.
IDK, I just have ASD, so I'm not big-brained enough to do that, tbh.
People have suggested I'm autistic sometimes, but my legitimately tested and diagnosed friends usually don't. I think a lot of people just want to diagnose everything, pathologize differences in the world rather than accept some people were born rather similarly to them and just think differently. If it doesn't negatively impact your life, who cares? Keep being you no matter why you are that way.
Funnily enough, I'm the opposite - my medically diagnosed autistic friend thinks I am, but my neurotypical friends (and therapist) often dismiss the thought.
The thing is, my issues do negatively impact my life. I don't want to say anything ignorantly offensive, so apologies if I do, but I suppose it matters in my mind because I want to know if it's part of my personality or if it's something I have to create strategies for because I'm on the spectrum, if that makes sense? If it's because I'm autistic, I can read books, I can draw on the experiences of others, I can join support groups, I can take medication... If it's just me being a product of my upbringing, well, shit, I still haven't figured out what to do about that really...
But I know even if I am on the spectrum, that aspect of myself isn't going to go away.
that is interesting. And yeah, if you are actually negatively affected by symptoms of autism, then yeah looking into strategies makes perfect sense, sorry if I was at all dismissive. Even if it was upbringing, I think anyone can overcome anything mental short of a disability given enough time, support, and energy. Not trying to be a "power of positive thinking" or anything, just that mindsets and behaviors can be modified with effort over time.
It might be a result of your autism, but I don't think it's just an autism thing. I have a close friend who's autistic and they think my romantic strategies are weird too. Regardless, the amount of hoops you're expected to jump through are absurd, and I feel for you if subtle social cues don't always register.
The concept of "your wife is your best friend" is, in my opinion, an example of capitalist atomization outsourcing emotional labor to women. The time required to foster good relationships in a community, as well as resources, have been lost, so everyone is nly allowed to be really close and emotionally vulnerable with their spouse. The woman usually has to play the role of surrogate mother, lover, and close friend. This is also why incels exist. Their community has been closed down to one person, and they don't have them. This is not to call out your parents, I just have had this analysis for a while and despise this part of culture.
And yes, I would be deeply uncomfortable with that. Because it's false pretenses. Lying and manipulation are a terrible way to start a relationship. If I want to court someone, I want to court them. It is fundamentally different from just wanting to be friends with them. Yeah I still will appreciate them as a person and if I go on a date or two and we aren't romantically clicking but still make good friends I can be happy with that but just acting like a friend when that's not how I intend to be later is just wrong to me.
I have absurd abilities to endure embarrassing situations, I basically have no shame and can just say or do anything in a social context. But it's the earnestness that counts
I can take embarrassing and absurd situations as long as they aren't degrading towards myself or groveling, I do have some self respect and a backbone now, no longer a doormat.
Being earnest and genuine is definitely very important though
I think hexbear users(pr maybe just me and I'm projecting) are just freakishly earnest. Communists are loathe to hide as they say, and everyone here pursues meaningful and honest connections(for the most part). I know I do worse romantically because rather than try to ease my way closer to someone I just ask them out point blank, and people think this is weird. I know if I was less honest about my intentions I might do better, but i don't want to live like that, trying to befriend someone just to ask them out later. I wouldn't want someone unable to appreciate my honesty in just deciding to act on my feelings quickly rather than playing games.
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This can be a problem itself -- when it's not clear if what you're doing is a date or hanging out as friends. If you want to go on a date with someone, I think it helps to use that word when you're asking.
It’s helpful specifically because so many people try to do the friendship-then-romance thing. It sucks to think you’re making a friend and then it turns out they’ve been working up to a romance the whole time when you’re not interested. A lot of the time, they will just break off the relationship altogether
I get to know if we're compatible by dating. Like, that is literally the point of dating is finding out if you are compatible. What's a friendly date? a date is a date, no two ways about it.
its just you and another person doing an activity or hanging out together without any expectation of romantic action. light flirtatious touching and cute eye glances is probably the furthest you would go. they're nice there's no pressure try to "make the move" and you can just vibe with eachother.
now maybe you'd say "that's just being friends" but tbh these days I feel like going out and getting dinner (or something similar) with someone 1-on-1 for a few hours can be pretty emotionally intimate. I don't think I would be comfortable doing that with most of my "normal" friends, as we almost always socialize in groups.
That is just being friends. When someone is really past the stage of acquaintance in good terms into a real friend we hang out one on one frequently. I find it easier to just hang out with one person because I don't have to try to divide my attention or be just as funny and engaging to multiple people. If I just wanna chat with friend A all night, I don't have to worry about excluding friend B this way.
Also, I am not touching someone I'm not explicitly dating but could be. We might be in different age groups, or just different subcultures, but it would be very weird, intrusive behavior to just be touching someone that I might be interested from their point of view.
IDK, I just have ASD, so I'm not big-brained enough to do that, tbh.
me_irl. I pretty sure it comes from being autistic for me. Even just being a leftist feels like a natural consequence of me being autistic.
You must have this much autism to ride
I've wondered for years and years whether I'm autistic... This is making me... well, wonder more, lol
People have suggested I'm autistic sometimes, but my legitimately tested and diagnosed friends usually don't. I think a lot of people just want to diagnose everything, pathologize differences in the world rather than accept some people were born rather similarly to them and just think differently. If it doesn't negatively impact your life, who cares? Keep being you no matter why you are that way.
Funnily enough, I'm the opposite - my medically diagnosed autistic friend thinks I am, but my neurotypical friends (and therapist) often dismiss the thought.
The thing is, my issues do negatively impact my life. I don't want to say anything ignorantly offensive, so apologies if I do, but I suppose it matters in my mind because I want to know if it's part of my personality or if it's something I have to create strategies for because I'm on the spectrum, if that makes sense? If it's because I'm autistic, I can read books, I can draw on the experiences of others, I can join support groups, I can take medication... If it's just me being a product of my upbringing, well, shit, I still haven't figured out what to do about that really...
But I know even if I am on the spectrum, that aspect of myself isn't going to go away.
that is interesting. And yeah, if you are actually negatively affected by symptoms of autism, then yeah looking into strategies makes perfect sense, sorry if I was at all dismissive. Even if it was upbringing, I think anyone can overcome anything mental short of a disability given enough time, support, and energy. Not trying to be a "power of positive thinking" or anything, just that mindsets and behaviors can be modified with effort over time.
It might be a result of your autism, but I don't think it's just an autism thing. I have a close friend who's autistic and they think my romantic strategies are weird too. Regardless, the amount of hoops you're expected to jump through are absurd, and I feel for you if subtle social cues don't always register.
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The concept of "your wife is your best friend" is, in my opinion, an example of capitalist atomization outsourcing emotional labor to women. The time required to foster good relationships in a community, as well as resources, have been lost, so everyone is nly allowed to be really close and emotionally vulnerable with their spouse. The woman usually has to play the role of surrogate mother, lover, and close friend. This is also why incels exist. Their community has been closed down to one person, and they don't have them. This is not to call out your parents, I just have had this analysis for a while and despise this part of culture.
And yes, I would be deeply uncomfortable with that. Because it's false pretenses. Lying and manipulation are a terrible way to start a relationship. If I want to court someone, I want to court them. It is fundamentally different from just wanting to be friends with them. Yeah I still will appreciate them as a person and if I go on a date or two and we aren't romantically clicking but still make good friends I can be happy with that but just acting like a friend when that's not how I intend to be later is just wrong to me.
Okay I'm the opposite in terms of being upfront but still very earnest so maybe there's a point here
I have absurd abilities to endure embarrassing situations, I basically have no shame and can just say or do anything in a social context. But it's the earnestness that counts
I can take embarrassing and absurd situations as long as they aren't degrading towards myself or groveling, I do have some self respect and a backbone now, no longer a doormat.
Being earnest and genuine is definitely very important though