I've had an extremely toxic mentality when it comes to online PvP based games. Between my younger years of Quake, TF2, CS, it just unearths this hideous portion of me. I have quit all PC gaming for the past 2 years.

I was raised in an environment where cynicism was met with applause, in nearly any situation. Everyone in my house would regularly pontificate at their surroundings (people, crossing guards) and it was met with jeers instead of any pause, regardless how degrading. It was just the familial brand of humor. So that's whom I emulated - vitriol at people playing some game in a manner I've deemed unfair or mindless. I keep trying to fight this shit away and be different, and I've cut off every game except for one last goddamn mobile game.

I played it with local town friends, some I hadn't been connected to since grade school. We had a ball, until everyone pressured me to ditch playing casually and try the new PvP portion.

I went down a trench where I went from punching my knee in frustration, to spiking my phone, to wishing I could slam myself hard enough in the head to be unconscious, all over pixels on a fucking screen. I'd recently finally got through state government health services to talk to a therapist, eventually about me spending as much as an hour a day that I have off from work for self-abasement through this game. How much I was empowering my already present will to not live by starting to hurt myself, regardless how temporary, mentally or physically, for these bursts of frustration.

So I quit every game in totality this morning, aside from Animal Crossing with family/friends that still play together sometimes (might try "Among Us"). I said, 'DM me if you want to chat or hang,' to a bunch of former Discord friends who are local, yet I don't expect to hear from again tbh.

Uninstalled everything and quit some 8 Discord channels until further notice to focus on finishing my career certifications, and spend my formerly abyss-casted hours into cardio while finishing the last 1/4th of Propotkin on audiobook.

TL;DR: Fuck competition-based video games that aren't named Mario Party. I'm ignorant for thinking I could handle any game without being turned toxic like my tendencies incline me. Inject more theory while running, love one another (except libs, conservatives and cops)