[CW: Queerphobia, Transphobia, Parental Abuse]
If a cishet person tries so hard to label themselves as an ally to the LGBTQ+ community instead of actually putting in action that can get LGBTQ+ people to trust them by what they do instead of what they say, they are bullshitting every queer person on the planet.
I speak strongly from experience. My dad married this woman who I'll reluctantly refer to as my "stepmother". My stepmother was someone who told me, in knowing that I'm trans, that "She could not be doing more to be a better ally to me.". This shows how delusional some cishet people can be because this woman:
- Never made steps to stop deadnaming and misgendering me.
- Always referred to me as her "gay son" because she used "gay" as an umbrella term for anyone who's queer. Bisexual cis woman? Gay. Straight trans woman? Gay. Pansexual non-binary person? Gay.
- Eavesdropped on a telehealth therapy appointment I had where I said "I'm concerned that my stepmother has transphobic tendencies.". As a result, ended up giving me the silent treatment, stopped talking to me entirely FOR MONTHS, WHILE LIVING WITH ME, and called me a selfish, inconsiderate, and arrogant person who uses other people for my own gain and takes her support for granted. I had to apologize to her to get her past that, and said apology was really forced by my dad.
- Speaking of my dad, my father used an "absence of negative rather than presence of positive" point to establish that he is an ally to me. My dad would say "I'm an ally because there are parents who kick their LGBT kids out of their house and scold them for being queer. I didn't do that to you!", all while continuing to deadname me and, at the very least, subtly express discomfort with me being queer, especially because it's "unnatural and goes against God and the Catholic faith".
The plot twist? My father ended up going on an extremely bigoted rant to my face in which he aggressively called me ableist and queerphobic slurs, told me to end my life because he thinks I'm complaining and demanding too much with my gender identity, and ultimately ended up kicking me out of the house because he didn't want to put up with my poor mental health, all while simultaneously claiming he wanted to support me through my struggles.
He definitely foreshadowed him going into mask-off bigot mode with what he said in that last bullet point.
They wanted brownie points for being allies, but they never wanted to listen. A good ally never tries to set standards of what it means to be an ally. They listen to queer people and are open to adjusting their behavior, speech, and tendencies to be better at supporting them.
These people that raised me never did that!
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Relatedy, I was kinda thinkin' recently - if a white person declares themselves "not racist", you might be well-served preparing yourself to hear the worst possible shit come out of their mouth, right? I guess any self-declaration like that should be treated with suspicion, because it might be hiding the kind of awful shit you describe here.
"Now, I'm not racist, but... You need to lay on the brakes a little bit before entering Turn #4 because you want the weight to shift to the front wheels as you clip the apex of the turn, or else you're going to oversteer and lose too much momentum as you exit."
--
Andretti, famous racistUsing 'I'm not racist but...' and then following with something totally innocuous can be fun as a bit. "I'm not racist but we're out of cat food"
You're setting yourself up for an accidental moment, though.
I'm not racist, but let's order a pizza tonight.
Italian roommate: WHAT!?
I don't personally torment the sick and the poor, so basically I am Jesus Christ.
Ughhhh why is this so common? What possesses people to think "well I didn't beat you or starve you or leave you out in the cold therefore I'm a saint"?
Honestly I almost don't think the word ally has any productive uses left. Even if you were going to use it with other queer people it'd require so much "well not that kind of """ally""""" caveating that it'd be easier to just not invoke it at all.
I know others who've described very similar experiences.
Its basically the same as people that describe themselves as "progressive" (years ago), or "leftist" (nowadays), or as an "activist", because they want to feel better than other people, not because they give a shit about any of it.
Excited to send this type of person to our re-education camps tbh!
Queer Ally is another one of those terms that can't really be claimed for oneself, you have to wait for queer people to call you that.
Those people sound horrible, given the way they treated you. Not an ounce of empathy offered. I agree that if they aren't willing to learn, they shouldn't call themselves an ally. I especially can't stand people who impose themselves on others like that, not allowing them to flourish as their true selves. It just ruffles my sense of right and wrong, especially when coming from people who are supposed to be nurturing, like a parent . I hope you have better days free of such harmful people. 🫂
Holy hell my parents never even claimed to be allies and they haven't been that bad 😳
ugh i know too many self-declared "allies" who really just want to be patted on the head and issued their good boy points before doing sweet fuck all to even understand queer issues, let alone make our lives better
but jfc, any parent that wouldn't die for their kids should immediately have their children and capacity to have children taken away. whether they're yours or you're just marrying someone with kids, you are signing up to lay down your life for theirs, otherwise what's the fucking point of you?
i'm sorry you had to go through all this. it's awful and nobody deserves this kind of treatment.
ah yes, the ol' "could not do more" when in reality they could hardly do less.
I honestly can't imagine any of the cishet people who are cool and not weird around me declare themselves as allies, why would you even want to do that? It's so performative. The only time i see people doing this is when they are doing pinkwashing or deflecting accusations of some form of queerphobia. I get it when cishet people wear a pride pin or something like that to signal they're safe to be around, i know certified cool and supportive people who do that and it can mean a lot to baby queers not used to being out in public - but when you have to announce how supportive you are to people you know, it's always something like the shit you're describing.
Alliances come with obligations and responsibilities
These people want treats and privilege
Pet peeve for many. I think the uninitiated are confused by the word itself, which implies a formal designation that doesn’t exist. Being an ally is something you do rather than something you are, since no one can show up for every battle or be there for a person or a group in every situation. So I try to say “good ally” to make that distinction clear. For example, I may endeavor to be a good ally to other queer folks but I will not always succeed, and sometimes I will fail.
Glad you escaped that toxic environment. If you need a place to land or could use help finding local support hmu
got me
"...could not do more..."
"...will not do more..."
