First, that sucks and I'm sorry your dealing with that.

Start the process of finding a therapist. This can take a while due to money and other reasons, so it's good to start now! Hexbear users are nice and empathetic and often experienced with mental health challenges and trauma, but aren't in a position to help as much as a therapist can.

In the meantime, I can list some stuff to try out.

• Get exercise, at least every other day. In addition to being good for your body, it's good for your brain. You can choose what kind of exercise it is, too. It doesn't have to be strenuous, just enough to get your heart pumping and for at least 10-20 minutes.

• Place extra emphasis on getting good sleep and finding strategies that work for you. A lack of sleep can lead to depression-ish symptoms.

• Go outside for at least 10-20 minutes per day, when the sun is out. The light helps your brain and this can also constitute light exercise if you make it into a little walk.

• Eat high quality food and take a modest multivitamin. I like the Deva vegan multivitamins. Being low on essential vitamins can mess with your mood and overall happiness.

• Like the other poster said, try CBD. It's a relatively low-risk way to relax and stay calm. The only thing to watch out for is that it can make some drugs metabolize slower, which can mean your end up getting higher doses of those drugs over time.

As you can probably tell, most of this is general wellness advice, but it really does tend to help.

For socialization, I think a therapist will really help here and have better advice. I'll still give it a shot, but take it with a big grain of salt.

• Try a low-stakes activity where everyone is generally happy the whole time. Like joining a kickball league team where it's really just a beer league (nobody cares about winning, it's mostly about hanging out afterwards). This is a nice low-stakes way to hang out with people because it's regimented and if you end up not getting along with them, it really doesn't matter because the only thing tying you to them is kickball and drinking beer (or something nonalcoholic if you prefer). There are many activities like this. Basically, stay away from truly competitive sports or gamer junk and you're probably good. Another example is hiking trail maintenance, which is basically just camping + some work on the weekends. Still a physical activity but also pretty low stakes: you're not expected to be friends with anyone, but you can be if you do get along with some folks.

• If you feel that you are stable enough, responsible, and ready for a 10-20 year commitment, a pet might be a nice way to have some very simple and nice companionship. Rabbits and guinea pigs are actually very smart and can be clicker trained to do tricks and can also learn their names (most people just assume they're dumb and don't even try to train them). A dog can also be a nice companion, though they are higher maintenance. You could think of it like some training wheels for positive socialization - it's not the same as talking to a human, but you do get to have positive social experiences and a connection with another animal.

• Finally, finding a way to chill is probably an ideal outcome. There are probably two sides to the anxiety you're describing that could be addressed. The first is the perception that everything goes to shit when you socialize, which I would suspect is catastrophizing. In other words, other people probably don't think that, including when you're socializing with them, but you perceive it due to anxiety and catastrophizing introspection. Finding a way to chill on that will help prevent the anxiety spiral. CBD will help with that, but there are many strategies out there for handling anxiety in the moment and after the fact. The second is that when we have anxiety, sometimes it's okay to just withdraw a little and chill. Say less, do less, take a little breather, while communicating that you're going to do that, of course. This is the exact opposite thing from what the anxiety wants you to do (it wants you to panic and escalate), so this is easier said than done. But any strategies you can find to short-circuit that and give yourself a break, the better. For example, if you feel mindful of this anxiety and notice it happening, a good strategy can be to take a bathroom break (real or not). Give yourself as much time as you need to destress and put the situation in perspective.

Hope some of this can be helpful, comrade. I know this stuff is difficult.