I live in a one-bedroom studio apartment in New York because houses cost money and I'm a hippie. My name is Patrick Bateman.
I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself with a well-balanced and plant-based vegan diet and a rigorous exercise routine.
In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I put real ice cubes on my forehead while I practice yoga and mindfully raging at carnists. I can hold a screaming pigeon pose and manifest hatred upon fur farms. I can do it for a thousand hours now.
After my face gets redder than the devil's ass, I splash some water on it. In the shower, I use more water, then also water, and on the face? Only water.
I don't use any type of corporate cleaning products because I want everyone who comes near me to be enveloped in my smell, the deep notes of my pheromones, and so I match the typical vegan stereotype. I will not pollute my essence with parabins. Patchouli oozes from my lilly white pours.
Then I apply a vegan jackfruit enzyme mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I don't have to use any aftershave lotion because removing animal suffering from my life has purified my body in every way possible. I do not grow any facial hair. Body hair is the mark of contamination and my alopecia is a blessing.
The vegans I know beg me to take vitamins and eat beans, but I know better than that. I eat a diet of mostly raw beyond meat and kale. Plant-based capitalism is the natural evolution of veganism and it is a supreme ideology.
Veganism should be centered on individual consumer decisions instead of petty moralism. All animals deserve a life of suffering to the same extent. As a moderate progressive, I celebrate torturing every living creature equally.
More screaming pigeons followed by me tweeting about how carnists are murderers and terrible people unlike me. I then send my daily death threats, this time to a local food pantry for distributing honey.
There is an idea of a vegan Patrick Bateman. Some kind of abstraction. but there is no real me only an entity, something illusory.
And though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and you can tell me plants feel pain and maybe you can sense our lifestyles are probably comprable… I simply do not care.
:bateman-ontological: hey there, cool it with the speciest remarks.
I have a 7:30pm reservation tonight at Eleven Madison. Chef and owner Daniel Humm runs a fully plant-based restaurant and just two days ago was awarded three Michelin stars. The Financial Times called his vegan menu “a bold vision of luxury dining”.
The full 11-course menu for dinner at Eleven Madison costs $365 a person before wine and cocktail pairings — $30 more than Eleven Madison’s first 10-course vegan menu in June 2021.
The new October service includes a celtuce steamed dumpling with salad and avocado, tomato broth with tofu and lemon verbena, corn with rice and chanterelle mushrooms and grilled squash with poblano pepper and seitan. The poached eggplant with tomato, coriander and shiso is my personal favorite.
While some gatekeeping leftist extremists might say this high cost defeats the purpose of veganism, I think it’s a small price to pay for animal liberation.
Look at that subtle off-yellow coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark...
:hexbear-logo:
you should be PlantBasedPatrickBateman. In today's world everyone should have the right to their own dietary choices
this post sponsored by Target
most of all, we have to promote general moral concern.
this post sponsored by Tyson plant based nuggets
My freezer is stocked with a generous variety of meat alternatives such as Tyson plant based products
and the severed heads of my victims.You’re really limiting yourself without an ontological reason aside from performative tailist schemas.
No ethical consumption under capitalism means I am allowed to eat anyone I can kill with my bare hands.
You might not have heard: I work in murders and executions.
I don’t use any type of corporate cleaning products because I want everyone who comes near me to be enveloped in my smell, the deep notes of my pheromones, and so I match the typical vegan stereotype. I will not pollute my essence with parabins. Patchouli oozes from my lilly white pours.
The only time anyone complains about my aroma is when I've eaten half a bulb of garlic recently, soap is bourgeois propaganda.
I’m very much a citizen of the world, but garlic is a bit too Italian for my palate.
Buying into big soap traps you into a consumerist cycle of stripping out your precious bodily fluids and replacing them with synthetic GMO forever chemical scents. It disrupts your natural endocrine systems and also damages your genetic pheromonal scents.
Having worked with the Amish, they are too polite to say anything, soap and detergent absolutely matters.
I actually tried just washing my clothes with water for a while and make my own laundry detergent now.
You should consider abolishing soap and deodorants from your daily routine, it really takes your game to that next level.
I wouldn’t expect everyone to get it, but it’s hip to smell of pear.
Maybe on the Southside, but up here it's all about ripened durand.
