I just needed to vent about some relationship stuff, and felt most comfortable sharing it here. I ended up writing a lot, so feel free to keep scrolling if you don't care to read, lol.
spoiler
This is someone I've had feelings for for the past 11 years, and I'm really bummed out about it. I've been in a few long-term relationships spanning years, but I've only really felt this strongly towards her. She has a tendency to pop into my life, then disappear for 1-2 years at a time. In 2021, we talked for two weeks, and then she ghosted me on a night we were supposed to hang out. She wouldn't respond to my texts, but she was posting on instagram photos of her on a date with someone else, including pics of them kissing. She never did respond to me after that missed date.
About a year ago, she texted me out of nowhere and apologized. She said she was really sorry that she hurt me, and she just didn't know what she wanted at the time. The relationship between her and the other person didn't work out. I was a lonely idiot and responded back to her. We ended up talking for a couple weeks, then she started doing some sketchy stuff again. I'm monogamous and demisexual and wanted to avoid getting hurt again, so I told her: "You know how I feel about you. If you're going to act affectionately to me, talk horny about stuff, and get me to open up to you, I want it to be in a monogamous relationship. So if you're going to spontaneously ignore my texts and ditch me on the nights we're supposed to chill, please don't get a hold of me." She said she was sorry and it's fine if we stopped talking.
Well, two months ago she reached out to me, and I responded back to hear what she had to say. We ended up texting each other almost every day for two months. We confided in each other, we video chatted, and we got a little :bonk:. She invited me over two weeks ago, and it was an amazing time. We cuddled, we talked for hours, we got a little physical. And it made me feel really good.
But shortly after, she started taking hours to respond to my messages. She'd "fall asleep" more often at 8 pm, when we'd regularly talk until midnight. Then we were supposed to hang out a few days ago, and she told me last minute that she just wanted to crochet and hang out with her cats instead. She didn't respond to me again for 3 days, but I saw that she posted Stories of her cuddling with another guy at his apartment. I didn't know who this guy was, but he was tagged in the video. I went to his profile and it said he was in a relationship and his cover photo was the two of them holding each other at a disc golf course.
It made me super upset. So I messaged her: "You're doing the same exact shit again, what the fuck? I told you not to contact me anymore when you're just sad and lonely and need something familiar. I'm a fucking human being and every time you do this to me, it fucks me up for awhile. Please don't ever text me again."
To be honest, I got kind of ugly with it, and I'm not sure if this was justified of me. I thought about screenshotting our sexting messages and us talking about how much we enjoyed the physical stuff we did, and sending it to the guy. If I was in a relationship, I'd be pissed and hurt if I found out my partner was doing that. And if they were in an open relationship, she needed to disclose that to me. So I told her exactly that.
She called me on my bluff and said, "If you feel like you need to, go ahead. You don't know what our arrangement is." She said that she didn't respond to me because she was having a rough few days, and said she wouldn't ever bother me again. Then she blocked me on everything.
So I'm just bummed out about it. I hate having someone you really like in your life every day, and then it just ends super badly and abruptly. I really liked having her to talk to, and it truly felt like it was budding into something real. But it was all a lie, and that hurts. I feel like a dumbass for falling for it again, but I'm lonely af and thought she might've really come around. Then to see that we're finally blocked from all communication, it sucks that it's real. I just needed to get this out, and if you guys had any similar stories or things to share, that'd be cool too.
:heart-sickle:
I'm sorry comrade. I've literally been on both sides of this in my younger days, although never this fucking bad. One woman, whom I was enjoying the attention and company when I already had a partner, went ahead and blocked me when she found out. And like, good for her.
I'm usually not down for blocking people, but someone who's OK with dicking you around and ignoring you is never going to stop this pattern. You don't deserve someone that plays you like this. People will come into your life that give you the basic courtesy that you know every human should be able to have. I've had women dick me around in my teens and twenties. At the time it was a hole of depression, I kept thinking "how could she do this after our history?" and I would just ruminate over this same shit. Now, 15ish years later, I couldn't give a fuck. I might pop onto their FB profiles once in a while, and there's no feeling. It's like a TV show from a long time ago that's outdated and uncool today (like Seinfeld).
I'm sorry that you've gone through the same stuff, but I appreciate you sharing that. It's the lack of just being fucking honest with me that hurts the most. I played it cautious for a couple weeks until it appeared like she was going to stick around for awhile. Then she did the exact same shit, instead of telling me what the deal was. Having that shown to me this time truly drives home the fact that this is how she feels like she can treat me, and I'm better off finally letting this die.
Ya, being lied to sucks. I'm sorry that you had to find it like this.
Growing up for me has mostly been figuring out which people are fucking terrible before I get close to them. Ya, it hurts to have a close relationship cut you like this. With living and experience, this shit does get easier. ButtBidet 20 years ago was super nice and loving to everyone. ButtBidet today is just nice to people that deserve it, and loving to only a select few.
I may be at the same spot that you were. People generally regard me as "Nice." I'm very soft-spoken, disarming, and try to take an interest in people's lives. I generally trust people and open up to them. And I guess I just expect other people to be kind of the same way. But then you get up getting burned, and that sucks ass. But you can learn from it.
Oh ya, being a kind person and expecting everyone to think and act like you is a common pitfall.
Unrelated, but I've definitely done selfish shit in the past. I can't talk about being kind and not mention that I've hurt people with my actions before. I guess I'd say, use this memory to protect others from being hurt by you in the future.
Edit: not that I'm blaming you for anything now
No, absolutely. I've done some selfish things in the past, and I may have hurt others without seriously taking their feelings into consideration. I guess people do that sometimes, even if they're not actually bad folks.
It really does suck to be on the receiving end, though. But this just feels kind of excessive, lmao.
Edit just to expand: I learned to pay closer attention to how my actions affected people when I was in my early 20s. This woman's around my same age, and has gone through similar experiences. We've talked about our personal growth to each other. I just didn't anticipate her actively hurting me again.
What would you say is a reasonable time frame to tell a new partner that you've already been seeing someone?