I thought I'd be putting him down Tuesday but he declined so much since I made the appointment that I found a new vet and did it today instead. It was extremely difficult to make a last minute appointment for a home call euthanasia right before a long weekend but one vet was willing to come when I called her while crying and told her that he was completely immobile and peeing on himself. She said she usually doesn't do home calls for new patients but this was a special circumstance. She was very kind and I am very grateful for her letting my boy be in a safe place for his final moments.
My home feels so empty. I keep thinking that I'll walk into my bedroom and he'll be laying on his little warm pad where he always laid, ready for a hug. But he's not there.
I held him in my lap when she gave him the shot. When he passed I couldn't move because the feeling of holding his limp body was so horrible. I'm so alone now. My girlfriend is so far away. There's no one for me to hold, because usually in a moment like this I'd be holding him. He was my oldest childhood friend. All these thoughts I'm writing just keep rolling through my head and I keep saying them to myself. All I can think about is my sweet boy. I have so much work to do this weekend but I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I need to bring him to a crematorium tomorrow, so he's just laying in the coldest room in my home right now.
I know this isn't much, but you're not alone. When my little guy was euthanized I held his head in my hand and watched him go. I've cared for him so long and he was my brother. I felt guilty and empty even though it was beyond my control. Its okay to feel what you're feeling. I'd say keeping your hands busy would help keep your mind occupied, but was partially true for me. You see the worst part of that entire day for me was not only did I let one of my precious family go, but immediately after I was forced to go to work where I'm either surrounded or operating very dangerous things that could hurt myself or others. I could focus enough to make sure the day went by without any accidents, but every moment where I wasn't working I immediately broke down and started crying.
So, I know this really isn't much, but you're not alone. Don't be afraid of letting the memories of him was over you, don't be afraid of crying your heart out until you're dehydrated, just remember to take care of yourself in the moments between.