I think that a factor in accepting love is trust. I mean functional trust, not a gamblers capricious momentary choice, real trust. The kind that takes time and risk to cultivate. All the issues with "who do I trust" and "I'm scared to be vulnerable" are at play, so I'm not being facetious, I know it's hard because it's hard for me, too. And even if you cultivate trust, it's no guarantee that someone won't hurt you, I would only say it's worth the time and effort because all good things in life seem to come with time and effort instead of wishes or imagination by themselves.
I always feel like someone, anyone is going to hurt me. I don’t ever let myself feel comfortable like I’m always on edge or something ready to defend myself.
An early and important step of trust is trusting your own defense mechanisms. Don't give them free reign, but accept and even appreciate that they existed to protect you during bad times, and that the anxiety you feel is those systems trying their best to continue protecting you even when they aren't as needed.
Its an interesting thought but I feel like my defense mechanisms are so extreme they hurt me.
You did mention you don't trust any of your therapists. I mean it's theoretically possible that they are all bad therapists, but I think it's more likely that your defenses are a bit too indiscriminate.
but I can’t default to anything else.
It's possible to gradually grow a new default with conscious active practice. "Today, I'm going to trust someone in a measured reasonable way and see what happens" can be habit forming.
I’ll give it a go, but i always get hurt. I’m just a person people enjoy hurting.
It's understandable, it really is. It won't become a habit without voluntary repetition and it is possible that the person you decide to trust in a measured way hurts you anyway. A part of trust is vulnerability, after all. And that is risky.
I don’t even feel anything anymore I’m not sure im even human, Can I even go back to feeling?
I replied to this hours ago but :hexbear-retro: kept going Hi There!
I'll hope this reply gets through. Feeling numb after a lot of emotional hurt and a lack of trusting connections is very human. Feeling can return, but it may feel raw at first, almost like something frozen thawing out.
Healing takes time and can only start when conditions change, or are changed.
See, we're all in the same boat here. All you have is all I have. I can try to see myself, which is really hard and works better when someone that can see me describes what they see...then I can decide myself what it is that's in the way of what I want. Then I can do something about it. You gotta take things one at a time and take the time.
One thing about living in the US is that people don't see their effort or time as valuable, it's about making labor cheap and fast. If you could see the result of your effort as valuable, it wouldn't be long before you started seeing all your problems in the light of making the effort and taking your own time and then you get the results all to yourself. Then self work is just another day and you get all the results.
Your effort matters and is valuable and it's easy to see it when you do it yourself. :soviet-heart:
I think that a factor in accepting love is trust. I mean functional trust, not a gamblers capricious momentary choice, real trust. The kind that takes time and risk to cultivate. All the issues with "who do I trust" and "I'm scared to be vulnerable" are at play, so I'm not being facetious, I know it's hard because it's hard for me, too. And even if you cultivate trust, it's no guarantee that someone won't hurt you, I would only say it's worth the time and effort because all good things in life seem to come with time and effort instead of wishes or imagination by themselves.
deleted by creator
An early and important step of trust is trusting your own defense mechanisms. Don't give them free reign, but accept and even appreciate that they existed to protect you during bad times, and that the anxiety you feel is those systems trying their best to continue protecting you even when they aren't as needed.
deleted by creator
You did mention you don't trust any of your therapists. I mean it's theoretically possible that they are all bad therapists, but I think it's more likely that your defenses are a bit too indiscriminate.
It's possible to gradually grow a new default with conscious active practice. "Today, I'm going to trust someone in a measured reasonable way and see what happens" can be habit forming.
deleted by creator
It's understandable, it really is. It won't become a habit without voluntary repetition and it is possible that the person you decide to trust in a measured way hurts you anyway. A part of trust is vulnerability, after all. And that is risky.
deleted by creator
I replied to this hours ago but :hexbear-retro: kept going Hi There!
I'll hope this reply gets through. Feeling numb after a lot of emotional hurt and a lack of trusting connections is very human. Feeling can return, but it may feel raw at first, almost like something frozen thawing out.
Healing takes time and can only start when conditions change, or are changed.
See, we're all in the same boat here. All you have is all I have. I can try to see myself, which is really hard and works better when someone that can see me describes what they see...then I can decide myself what it is that's in the way of what I want. Then I can do something about it. You gotta take things one at a time and take the time.
One thing about living in the US is that people don't see their effort or time as valuable, it's about making labor cheap and fast. If you could see the result of your effort as valuable, it wouldn't be long before you started seeing all your problems in the light of making the effort and taking your own time and then you get the results all to yourself. Then self work is just another day and you get all the results.
Your effort matters and is valuable and it's easy to see it when you do it yourself. :soviet-heart: