It's ruining my life. And the irony is it's the only way to dissociate from bad things. At least it seems like that's the only way. Feels like the snake that eats its own tail.
Edit: thank you all for the good advice and support. It means a lot. I love my comrades. 
I second everything you said. I've taken kratom for almost a decade and even when I stopped for a month or so at a time I've only had withdraw from it once and even then it wasn't as bad as caffeine withdraw.
I don't even really view it as a recreational substance because the buzz is almost imperceptible, but as a anxiety medication and pain killer that also curbs my more unhealthy impulses its amazing.
Yeah that's exactly what I use it for. The relief is much more relaxing than any buzz.