I am low on money these days and my life is hell for it. I have to do with substandard everything in my life I recently had an incident where an elderly woman asked me for money while roaming the street with her family begging for money. I had no money to spare, but had I had any, I wouldn't have given a penny to her (Life is tough, I can't give away money I didn't earn)
But, she later said something which melted my heart, "Majboori hai beta!" (Hindi) "We don't want to do this, but we have to do it son" (now add some emotional value to it), I didn't know what to do, I was on my cycle and I could feel their eyes on me as I passed them and I just peddled faster with teary eyes.
I didn't know how to deal with that. i.e., I don't have enough money for medical necessities or to improve the standard of living of my own life, but I was being asked to spare change by a poor family that was demonstrably in a worse spot than me.
I was always taught that if you give beggars money, they will spend it all on alcohol (not blaming them), and given the number of beggars who have come to be smelling like alcohol and death with wobbly balance, it has been a rule not to provide them with money. Also, let's not forget, if you're really poor (homeless and have nothing to lose) and you are really desperate, you are often dangerous i.e., not someone around whom your kids can roam, again, not blaming them. But... I don't know what is right or wrong in this situation!
How do you deal with external problems you can't solve around you? What is the moral thing to do here?
edit: This kinda reminds of a story about Jesus where a prince once came to him and told him that he isn't at peace with himself no matter what he does, and Jesus told him that to get peace he must give away everything to the poor and follow Jesus around and the prince refused (something along those lines).
I know what the most moral thing might be in this case, but even if you tell me that I should give money to those who live in abject poverty, I probably won't do it as often as I should.
Just treat them like a human being instead of like a streetlamp or something. Speak to them. Ask them how they're doing (I know the answer is probably "shit" but still, let them talk about it if they want to). I know it's tempting to just ignore them because saying you don't want to or can't give them money is awkward, but imagine being in that situation, how humiliating it must be to sit on the floor, literally beneath everyone, grovelling to strangers. Show them the same humanity you'd expect to be shown if it were you on the floor. Even "sorry, but no" is better than being ignored. Maybe chat to them about their day or something if you can't or don't want to give money. Help look up the location of a local soup kitchen or shelter or something if they don't have a phone. If they're recently homeless you may be able to give them legal advice in terms of getting a roof back over their heads (I say "recently" bc in some places an eviction notice can be used to access social housing, if the eviction was ages ago they might not have the relevant documentation anymore).
And also frankly, when I do give money to homeless people, I don't care if they spend it on drugs. If I'm giving someone money I'm giving them money. It's their money now. I wouldn't tell you how to spend your money, and I wouldn't tell a homeless person how to spend their money. If they ask for help to overcome their addiction I'd do my best to signpost them, but I'm not going to force them if they don't want it. If what they want is drugs then they're going to get that one way or another, if not with money people gave them out of charity then through stealing or something else.
Just treat them like a human being instead of like a streetlamp or something. Speak to them. Ask them how they’re doing (I know the answer is probably “shit” but still, let them talk about it if they want to).
I mean, it sounds nice on paper, but at least in the West a non-trivial percentage are so mentally ill average Joe can't really be their friend effectively. Using judgement is recommended.
How many homeless people have you spoken to? Of course everybody is different so treating someone like a person may look different depending on their circumstances, but the principle still applies, including towards homeless people with severe mental illnesses.
And also that's just not my experience tbh. Both from speaking to homeless people on the streets, and also when I was in prison I met a lot of the typical types of people who would end up street homeless, including people who were street homeless prior to being incarcerated and people who were street homeless and mentally ill, and they're still people. I managed to form good friendships with a lot of them. I don't know, possibly you have genuinely tried to interact with homeless people and you've hit a brick wall, but in my own experience that's just an assumption or first impression people have and not the reality if you just try talking to them for a few mins.
Hmm, where I live it's more frequently people living in decrepit buildings than properly homeless. The one guy that actually wanders around just doesn't talk. I heard him say "yup" once, in a situation where he was pretty much forced to. I've had less than positive experiences with rough-looking people. Other times it's been fine.
This is me regurgitating what I've heard from actual professionals.
I'm not a shrink lol I'm a case manager.
I disagree with the idea that so many homeless are so mentally ill that conversing with them isn't worth it. It should take the most minimal ability to read human behavior to see when someone is having a hard time and you shouldn't engage but there are many who don't experience persistent psychosis who you can talk to, or at least give a nod and hello.
Yes, to be clear that was a list. I've heard both chime in, online at least. In real life I think the only relevant conversation was about what a therapy session looks like when your client is homeless.
I didn't mean ignore them - they're still humans, OP is right about that. I said use judgement. I can totally see a younger version of myself Kool-Aid man-ing into a random homeless person's life and expecting I can be their best buddy.
When I encounter them now, I treat them like every other stranger. I think I'm doing the right thing.
Years ago, I used to live in a neigborhood just down from what they called 'the projects.' Those who couldn't get into Section 8 housing would spill over onto the streets. One time we had a pretty harsh cold snap. Several people died. A few of us started buying tents, sleeping bags, and blankets from Costco and handing them out to those camping on the sidewalks or side streets.
Now, we live in an area that has pretty good food and housing non-profits, so we donate to them every year. I generally don't give to individuals, hoping our donations, aggregated with others, will reach more people in need.
During COVID, a local non-profit with an urban garden set up an outdoor fridge and pantry for those sleeping around the perimeter. The non-profit would load it up with any excess produce. But word got out and people started donating, usually leftovers from restaurants. We started going to discount grocery stores and buying bulk foods and stocking up the fridge once a month. Took the kids and had them do the stocking up, just to normalize it.
We're beyond lucky not to be in that situation and feel strongly that we should help where we can. Paying it forward and all. I don't think anyone who is pinched should feel bad, but those who can afford it, should.
We've never mentioned any of this to any friends or family. I only bring it up here, hoping more people feel inspired to step up.
I generally don’t give to individuals, hoping our donations, aggregated with others, will reach more people in need.
I think that's a good rule, but it's not for everyone, i.e., People actually would like to see their money do good, (it's easier to see a thankful smile on someone than get a digital message on a website) and let's not forget, people would have to do their own research before donating, because let's be honest, there so many scammy non-profits made to make money for their corporate overlords (not to mention the conversion rate), if a non-profit is separately pooling money for administration expenses, I would be more likely to trust them. Also, rest of the comment is pretty nice, thanks for the comment!
Give what you can afford. That varies from person to person, and timeframe, but if you truly have nothing to give, then you have nothing to give without impacting your own existance. Plus if you're a person living off of people's kindness and get mad when people have nothing, then they aren't the problem
but if you truly have nothing to give, then you have nothing to give without impacting your own existance.
But I say to myself, if I ever give a little, it's not gonna have much material impact on their life. i.e., I am not easing their misery for more than an hour! Also, there are many of them, how will I choose whom to give and whom not to? edit: But it's gonna take away stuff from me, I don't spend a rupee when I don't have to.
Is give when you feel like it and when you can (I think you would say yes to this) a good idea?
Easing someone's misery for an hour IS EASING SOMEONE'S MISERY.
And maybe the physical thing you provide to that person may only last for an hour, but the memory of something a kind person did for them will (hopefully) persist as well
Easing someone’s misery for an hour IS EASING SOMEONE’S MISERY
You are right! I must not think like that.
So I work full time with homeless people who deal with mental illness and substance use issues.
If you are struggling with surviving yourself, you can only do what you can do. This world is fucked up and you shouldn't be struggling, and those people on the street shouldn't be in that position either, and it always seems like the burden to assist the poorest in our society is put on to other poor people, because we can actually understand what it's like at least a little.
There may be times when you can only spare some change, other times maybe 5 or 10 dollars. Other times, nothing at all. If you have the ability at all, even the smallest amount can be helpful even if you don't think it will be. But, if you feel hesitant, don't beat yourself up for it. You thinking of giving ANYTHING AT ALL means you're doing more than most people would.
Also, I think it's important to try to let go of the moralistic thinking when it comes to people using the money for alcohol or drugs. People end up using drugs because of mental illness, people gave told me that at least when using they feel like they HAVE a reason why theyre hearing voices and seeing shit and its in their control.Because they lost their job due to becoming disabled and doctors won't prescribe painkillers so they have to find something to numb the pain on the street. They were a foster kid who got kicked out with nothing, no family or friends and we're physically and mentally abused for years so using drugs is the only way they know how to cope.
Another very real story I heard recently as to why someone drowned themselves in liquor for 15 years is because his nephew was playing hide and seek and hid under a pile of clothes in a closet. A fire started in the house; he was searching everywhere for the kid, and was digging and digging but couldn't pull him out before the firemen forced him to leave. So he had to stand there and watch as his nephew burned alive because the firemen would not go back in to get him. You don't know someone's story and why they got to where they are. If you don't want your money going to drugs or alcohol, you can make the choice to not give anyone money on the off chance that they happen to have a substance use issue, but remember they are people too with a lot of trauma.
tl;dr I don't have an answer for your problem, but I have some thoughts on it that hopefully might contribute to you finding an answer.
I think it's probably bad to think of the homeless, etc. as being drug-addled and especially as being dangerous. Usually, if they do have a drug problem (especially alcoholism) it came after becoming homeless and not before, and functions as a way to self-medicate to ease the pain of their terrible conditions. There is, of course, a strong correlation with mental illness that they are often also self-medicating, but "mentally ill" does not mean the same thing as "dangerous". You probably don't want to have them as a baby sitter, but that's much more because of mental illness impairing their ability to care for others (and often themselves) rather than there being a realistic chance they would actually hurt the child directly.
People, religions, politicians, corporations and so on speak of charity as a great thing, and it's certainly not a bad thing, but there being a need for charity for people to survive is a symptom of a system that doesn't care for a substantial portion of the population that lives in it, and typically brutally exploiting those people. Charity is like a bandage, it can help to tend to a wound that has been inflicted, but we must ask "Why is there a wound in the first place? What inflicted it? How can it be prevented?" Your society, like mine, is organized in part to hurt these people in order to exploit them. No amount of charity can change that fact, only a change in social organization can change it.
I have enough money, so I almost always give some to people who ask. I don't ask questions. If they start telling me an excuse I say it's alright, they don't have to justify themselves to me.
I don't give a lot of money because I'm not that rich and not that nice, but $1 to $5. I started carrying more cash for this.
Anyone who's somewhat rich, in the like six figures of excess cash, is likely making several hundred dollars a month on fully insured interest. People like that can certainly spare a few bucks.
So far no one's given me much trouble.
I believe everyone will just take advantage of my generosity and so I don’t even bother helping anyone.
Genuinely wondering, what does that even mean? How do you think a person who is homeless or poor would "take advantage" of $5 or food you give them?
It adds up. Especially if you are in a populated city.
I am not saying most homeless people dupe you into giving them money which they later use for exotic stuff, but many do. I really am not blaming them, maybe drugs are the only relief they have in their lives, I don't know, but I can't refute the argument that that money would do more damage than good.
In Germany a lot of „homeless“ people are part of some group of scammers and they might even pickpocket you or follow you around.
Fair enough and thanks for answering. I know that can happen sometimes but, honestly, most people are just struggling. They're not all out to get you.
Problem is you can’t know and that’s why I’m afraid.
But I’m generally not very trustful, so it’s not just homeless people.
But I’m generally not very trustful
Does it say anything about the German culture or is it just you?
If someone tricks you out of $20 by saying they need it, that says bad things about their character but good things about yours.
Set aside a budget of time, energy and money to help social causes, spend it as wisely as you can, and give a hard no when someone asks for more.
You mention the alcohol thing, which is fair, although as others note it's best to withhold judgement. At least where I live there's charities you can give money to instead, which will use it to buy things like food, fuel and clothing which they can then pass along. Pro tip: I'd go with a smaller charity, since big ones sometimes get top-heavy.
