It's really hard to talk about this without going off the rails and giving way too much information. I have written and deleted this post twice. I'm gonna try very hard to focus on the relevant topics.
My dad is going through total kidney failure, and left the country recently in a desperate attempt to get a kidney transplant. He left my brother alone in that house. The house is in a state of disrepair (huge roof leak and there are complaints of mold, in addition to other stuff), and my brother is VERY not mentally well (he talks to me about having ESP, about communicating with a starship from the andromeda galaxy, about how the archangel Lucifer taught him how to create "literally anything out of energy", and has also accused me of stalking him even though I'm halfway across the country). He is also diabetic, and my father has told me he has had to call an ambulance to help my brother out of diabetic shock multiple times, because he mismanages his disease. He also invites strangers that he meets in parking lots into that house, where all my dad's personal and private information is just laying around, as well as a wholly un-password-protected computer with his bank account just sitting open all the time.
My dad (who is apparently suffering from cognitive deterioration, I assume from his kidney failure) left me in charge of handling his bills and shit while he's away, but he fucked up the Power of Attorney form he mailed me and it was voided by the bank. Meaning I'm now expected to work with my brother who has access to my dad's PC and can make payments from there, but my brother is not cooperating with me, I don't even know if he's capable of it. In fact as of this morning, he's actively hindering my attempts to do what is expected of me, refusing to cooperate with the payment of bills. My father didn't set up proper lines of communication before he left, and now it's almost impossible to get in contact with him, so the arduous and convoluted process of getting another PoA filled out and sent here from overseas is questionable even to make the suggestion of it, let alone getting him to follow through with it. It was hard enough to help him do it while he was still in the country.
There's more - a LOT more - to this saga, but I am trying to restrain myself. Basically, my brother is not capable of functioning normally, I'm worried about him and I'm worried about my dad's home and stuff. This situation is bananas and I am extremely overwhelmed by it, as well as a major tragedy that recently occurred in my partner's family that I'm simultaneously having to deal with.
Can anyone please give me some advice about what to do? I would like to get my brother out of that house to protect my dying dad's stuff and get my brother some help, but I don't know if any organizations exist which will actually help him, because we live in a capitalist hellscape where I know to expect anyone involved will just try to milk as much money as they can out of a vulnerable person. He is living in Texas, which I am sure makes it all worse. I'm nervous to call Adult Protective Services because I am suspicious they will fuck everything up. I have zero trust for those kinds of organizations. If anyone has experience to the contrary however, I am open to hear it.
I don't know what to do.
Your brother needs way more supports than you can get, he is a complex medical patient and not compliant with his medications. Read through this if youre considering getting your brother involuntarily committed: https://www.texasbar.com/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Free_Legal_Information2&Template=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=30801 you may need to get a wellness check on your brother to start the system - fuck the police and all, this will be a decision only you can make. Sometimes there are crisis support teams rather than cops, but he lives in Texas... do what you think is in the best interests of your brother and what he would want you to do if he was healthy and able to think through the consequences.
Mismanaged hyperglycemia can aggravate whatever is going on with your brothers mental health. Liver damage can lead to hepatic encephalopathy and aggravate whatever is going on. You already know most likely but entering DKA can mean your brother could die. He may need involuntary commitment in order to get stable because he is currently non-compliant.
If your dad's PC isn't password protected, you may be able to get access to it if you're able to get to his home. Getting the PC means you can sort out bills at the very least.
Beyond that, you are going to need Social Worker support maybe even a lawyer - hopefully you can find a family law lawyer that can take this on pro bono. What you are experiencing is way outside hexbear advice. I hope you can get something actionable from this post otherwise.
Bless you for caring for your brother and your fathers estate while he is undergoing treaent. You're going through so much.
I hope you can get some supports
Thank you, this is some good stuff to start with and nice validation. I am mostly just looking to be pointed in helpful directions, so this is good.
The only thing about taking the PC is that any accounts that have 2 factor authentication(I think that's basically every bank), will likely require a new code if you move it to a different IP address. If your father can provide those codes to you, I'd say just take the computer when your brother isn't around.
You may also want to try adult protective services since your brother seems not to be able to care for himself and is in a bad living situation. They probably aren't equipped for immediate help, but at least they'll be staffed with empathetic people who will know more about your local services.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had more specific advice to give you.
I hesitate to write this last bit, but I wish someone had told me when my father got sick and I was the child that had to handle everything:
You're doing the right thing and you're a good person for doing it, but take care of yourself as well. There may end up being times when you need to step back for your own health and mental well being, if so, you're not a bad person. You can't help anyone else if you destroy yourself.
As far as accessing accounts with my dad's PC, I am hoping to update the phone number on the account before taking the PC from there, that way any alert triggered will go to my phone, instead of his, which is out of the country with him. I also already logged into his email on my phone while I was there, so I have that covered too.
I don't know what APS can do... but I am going to contact a mental health service center in that area on Monday when shit is open, and maybe at least get some advice on how to proceed. At this point, since my brother is not cooperating, he's not only making everything way harder for me but also going against my dad's wishes to have me handle his affairs while he's gone.
Obviously I would rather not be dealing with any of this... but I know no one else will. I am basically focused on trying to take as much direct action as I can at this point, and that's helping me proceed.
Be extremely careful if you decide to involve police for a wellness check. I was on the receiving end of a wellness check once and they treated me like a threat and a violent criminal the entire time, and my issue was extreme depression, I was not experiencing any delusions. They would not let me out of their sight once inside, and initially threatened to break down my door as I was getting dressed and kennelling my dog to let them in (took 60 seconds or so).
It does sound like external intervention is warranted at this point though, if you are able to find an alternative group to help you with this, please do.
Calling the cops is literally the very last thing I want to do. I will exhaust any and all other avenues before I being forced to do that. Even then I still may not do it. Fuck them pigs.
Thankfully they don't have a dog there anymore at least.
bumping amber whataboutism since this is pretty serious
hoping you can get some help soon comrade
sorry you're in such a shit situation
FindHelp.org is a site that can help connect one with local services.
Sorry you are going through this.
Do you know what operating system your dad's computer is using? If it's one of the Windows versions that allows remote desktop, you might be able to convince your brother to enable it, which is just one thing instead of many.
(Sorry I don't have advice on anything else here, I just know computer.)
I know it's windows, I don't really know what version, I don't know if that's something I could remotely set up if it was compatible.
I second the idea of getting your brother unvoluntarily committed for his own safety. This would also very likely change PoA and though I don't know whether that would immediately go to you I assume it would go to someone you can work with.
You may also be able to argue for PoA based on your brother's mental state but without going straight to mental health authorities but I suspect this would be a lengthier process and likely require something very similar anyways.
If you have any option to discuss this with an attorney in your father + brother's state I highly, highly rexommend that.
- Show
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