year we have been broken up now for about 2 and I haven’t talked to her since she said we were better off apart when we split up. I feel guilty about being abusive to her because I go to therapy now and got sober off of the stuff I was addicted to so I feel like an asshole and want to apologize. At the same time I have no feelings for this girl I dislike her and think she mistreated me so like it sucks that I feel so guilty to someone who was also abusive to me. She told me we were better off apart and goodbye. I know I shouldn’t text her but I want too because the guilt grows everyday about what I did. Pls help. Do I apologize? Or is it selfish and just my own ego wanting to feel better and doing it for the wrong reason. Basically I’m asking if I should apologize or just leave her alone.
I'll just be blunt. Leave her the fuck alone and talk with your therapist about your intrusive guilty feelings, even if you have to move up your appointment. No good can come from talking to someone you feel was abusive, know you were abusive towards, claim to dislike, still resent on some level, etc, and you feeling bad about the past is itself an inherently self-centered motivation.
I'm definitely not trying to judge you or look down on you, but based on your own description, this sounds like a colossally bad idea that will only lead to more guilt and pain.
You just like gave me a life realization. It is self centered motivation and that’s been like my whole problem with life. I’m too self centered and it causes me to behave in disgusting shitty ways. I need to be selfless and let go of the ego internal struggle I’ve been having for a long time now. It’s selfish of me too and I need to change
You don't need to be selfless, you need to be the person you want to be. In your actions, in the moment.
Setting up a deliberately Ascetic mindset is just as unhealthy and you'll break from it.
You have nothing to do with her now, you don't want to be part of her life, and she's moved on too. You can't make amends and restart and you don't really want to. This isn't what you want. You want to erase the past, which you can't do. We all want to erase the shitty things we've done. We can't. It sucks. It will haunt you forever. Welcome to being human.
Instead be a cooler you in the future. Don't be nice to people as some kind of redemptive penance. Be nice to people because you genuinely want them to be happy, because you want to be a person who makes people happy and because you, personally, want to live in a world of happy, well-adjusted people who think you are cool.
And then the ego will slip away on its own.