year we have been broken up now for about 2 and I haven’t talked to her since she said we were better off apart when we split up. I feel guilty about being abusive to her because I go to therapy now and got sober off of the stuff I was addicted to so I feel like an asshole and want to apologize. At the same time I have no feelings for this girl I dislike her and think she mistreated me so like it sucks that I feel so guilty to someone who was also abusive to me. She told me we were better off apart and goodbye. I know I shouldn’t text her but I want too because the guilt grows everyday about what I did. Pls help. Do I apologize? Or is it selfish and just my own ego wanting to feel better and doing it for the wrong reason. Basically I’m asking if I should apologize or just leave her alone.
We were emotionally abusive to each other
I dislike her and think she mistreated me
She told me we were better off apart and goodbye.
I'll just be blunt. Leave her the fuck alone and talk with your therapist about your intrusive guilty feelings, even if you have to move up your appointment. No good can come from talking to someone you feel was abusive, know you were abusive towards, claim to dislike, still resent on some level, etc, and you feeling bad about the past is itself an inherently self-centered motivation.
I'm definitely not trying to judge you or look down on you, but based on your own description, this sounds like a colossally bad idea that will only lead to more guilt and pain.
You just like gave me a life realization. It is self centered motivation and that’s been like my whole problem with life. I’m too self centered and it causes me to behave in disgusting shitty ways. I need to be selfless and let go of the ego internal struggle I’ve been having for a long time now. It’s selfish of me too and I need to change
You don't need to be selfless, you need to be the person you want to be. In your actions, in the moment.
Setting up a deliberately Ascetic mindset is just as unhealthy and you'll break from it.
You have nothing to do with her now, you don't want to be part of her life, and she's moved on too. You can't make amends and restart and you don't really want to. This isn't what you want. You want to erase the past, which you can't do. We all want to erase the shitty things we've done. We can't. It sucks. It will haunt you forever. Welcome to being human.
Instead be a cooler you in the future. Don't be nice to people as some kind of redemptive penance. Be nice to people because you genuinely want them to be happy, because you want to be a person who makes people happy and because you, personally, want to live in a world of happy, well-adjusted people who think you are cool.
And then the ego will slip away on its own.
Do you think maybe it's a good idea to write a letter and then never send it? Like, old-school pen and paper (this takes away the risk of accidentally hitting send in a moment of weakness). Just be brutally honest and write it all down. Address the version of her that still lives inside of you rather than the one out there. Just as a tool for reflection and a means of closure. I don't know, this wouldn't work for everyone, but it might.
About a year and a half. We dated for about the same time. have a therapist I talk to this shit about as well that helps. We were emotionally abusive to each other and I didn’t understand what I was doing until I actually went to therapy. She said she had nothing against me and that she wishes me the best And that maybe one day we will be together again or whatever. so I’m not sure if when she said we are better off apart She means it. It’s confusing. I don’t want to be with her or be friends with her. I just feel morally wrong about not when apologizing. Because I bet my scars on her still linger and fuck up her life. The guilt just like grows everyday for what I did. I want to do the right thing but idk if apologizing is. I thought I was doing what she wanted when I went NC with her. But I doubt that more everyday. I have weight on shoulders.
Honestly when I put myself in her shoes I’d probably be really pissed off that I never apologized at the time but I would’ve moved on by now and let it go. If I was gonna apologize I should’ve done it a long time ago. I think it’s too late now tbh. I would’ve earlier but honestly I thought she wouldn’t want to hear it but now I think like I really just never apologized for being a scumbag and that’s wrong of me.
Sounds like you want to potentially bring back bad memories for her so you feel better about yourself. Having that desire doesn't make you a bad person - you're basically fishing for closure - but I think acting on it would be quite selfish. That said, none of us know the details of your past relationship so can't tell you for sure whether it's a good idea or not.
Also consider the very real risk that things devolve into an argument and you both just feel worse about yourselves. If there's a long history of abusive patterns then it's all too easy to fall back into that same behaviour.
You just like gave me a life realization. It is self centered motivation and that’s been like my whole problem with life. I’m too self centered and it causes me to behave in disgusting shitty ways. I need to be selfless and let go of the ego internal struggle I’ve been having for a long time now. It’s selfish of me too and I need to change
