Bigfoot has confounded cryptozoologists for too long. No matter how many fringe weirdos with guns fuck about in the woods, there has been no success in capturing this illusive creature. Worse yet, every alleged photo of Bigfoot seems to be illegibly blurry.

But it is within this blurriness that I believe may be the missing clues to locating Bigfoot.

Here we have a picture of a Pholcus phalangioides, the cellar spider, the peanut spider, daddy longlegs.

P. phalangioides is itself surrounded in rumours and mystery, old wives tales claim that they are the most venomous spider but lack sufficiently long fangs to penetrate human skin. This is untrue, these fuckers can and will bite you if they get the chance, but they lack strong enough venom to do more than give you a little itch.

P. phalangioides has an evolutionary trait that sets it apart from other spiders, when threatened they will oscillate at extreme speeds. Scientists debate why they do this but ultimate truth is it makes them a bugger to photograph.

Now look again at the picture of Bigfoot from the thumbnail.

Notice how clear that plant in the foreground is in comparison to Bigfoot.

I put it to you that Bigfoot is not in fact the missing link between man and other primates like so many cryptozoologists suggest, but is in fact a gigantic spider capable of gyrating like a daddy longlegs. And that it uses this gyration and correct placement of its legs to mimic the silhouette of the humans it perceives to be a threat.

"But how come no-ones found any man sized spiders?" You, a fool, ask.

To that I say, "did you look?"

The truth is out there my friends, you must simply seek it.