Ian strode down the aisle and leaped onstage. He was dressed in black with wraparound sunglasses, black hair greased into a ponytail, a rectilinear beard, and boots so pointy they were practically Arthurian. The look suggested the World Series of Poker, but when he began to speak, Ian’s energy transformed into that of a Pentecostal youth minister.

“What I see is a lot of leaders that are either NOBLE . . . or savage,” he bellowed. “I see a lot of communities that are either SAVAGE . . . or noble. How do you balance savagery, confidence, intensity, drive . . . being the IMPETUS! The DRIVING FORCE THAT MAKES THINGS HAPPEN! . . . with? Nobility. Meekness. Kindness. Love. Care. Empathy. And sympathy. And congratulations, when I look at this industry I see a lot of nobility. I often wonder, ‘Where’s the savagery, everybody?’ Are your customers savage about you? About your products? Your services? ARE YOUR EMPLOYEES SAVAGE? WILL THEY KNOCK DOWN WALLS TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN FOR YOU?”

I HATE TECHBROS I HATE TECHBROS

“Canary is analyzing the audio,” Caitlyn said. “You have medium anxiety and medium depression. Your energy score is at forty-six. Your power is at seventy-eight. Speed is medium, at forty-eight. Dynamic is twelve.”

I could feel a collective intake of breath. A woman raised her hand and asked what would happen to someone’s diagnosis if the sound quality were poor.

“That’s why we record forty seconds,” said Caitlyn. “So we get more audio than we need.”

How comforting. Wouldn't want any inaccurate diagnoses.

“WE’RE TALKING ABOUT MICRO-PROSODIC FEATURES BELOW THE LEVEL OF HUMAN PERCEPTION,” the voice said. The large and formidable man to whom this voice belonged rolled down the aisle on a mobility scooter. He introduced himself. He was a veteran of the original Alexa build and Canary Speech’s cofounder.

“What is the baseline you’re comparing it to?” someone asked.

“You compare it to a generic baseline.”

“What is generic? Man? Woman? Teenager?”

“These clues are generally universal.”

UNLIMITED GENOCIDE ON TECHBROS!

The cofounder yielded the room to Caitlyn. A member of the audience asked if the software might be useful to large enterprises, perhaps to monitor employees.

“Absolutely,” said Caitlyn. And in fact, Canary Speech was thrilled to announce a new partnership with Microsoft Teams.

We truly live in the time of monsters.