I haven't felt anything besides low burning self contempt for years. Emotions like sadness and happiness elude me. I haven't sincerely shouted for joy or wept in years. I also have no desire to get close to other people and form relationships. This makes it nigh impossible for me to give a shit about even important things. While I don't feel much pain anymore, I also lack the spark that makes life worth living. I feel like a soulless automaton.
Does this sound like it's related to neurodivergence? I'm 100% depressed, but years of therapy and various different medications haven't done much, so I feel like there must be more to it.
Are you often tired? Do you struggle to get out of bed in the morning?
Not in the sleepy way, but I'm either lying in bed or sitting at my computer most of the time because I lack the volition to do otherwise.
Have you considered wether you might be clinically depressed? What you're describing could kinda sound like it. It's not a big deal if you are. I got the diagnosis and some anti-depressants and it made my life so much better.
I have treatment resistant depression that various different antidepressants and antipsychotics over the years hasn't helped with.
Might be worth investigating an ADHD and/or autism diagnosis as well just to rule those out. I had terrible depression from age 16-29. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 29 and got on stimulant medications and it greatly improved my depression symptoms. I think it was a combo of increased dopamine from the meds and finally understanding how my brain works and why certain things are hard for me.
I am still on SSRIs and probably always will be, but the dark thoughts are so much less frequent and intense these days.
I am very sorry to hear that comrade
I wish I could help you in some way