And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
He's joking. People definitely read theory. But can I let you in on a little secret? I only read like, the first 40 pages of Capital vol 1, said "oh wow that's just impossible for me to read right now" and watched a bunch of videos from The Marxist Project so I could grasp the most important concepts. I've focused on reading about history instead, because it's a lot more palatable for me, and I think in most conversations with other people it's most helpful to know a lot about history and a little about the economic laws that govern history, than to be an expert on those laws but not know enough details about history to make convincing arguments to people. Of course, once I feel more comfortable I'll give the big book another crack!
I recommend that if you hate capitalism and feel like all this crap is made up BS, you should do something similar to break into leftism. Read something easier and more modern; anything Parenti, Chomsky, Vincent Bevins, etc. then you can complement your understanding of history with a bit of understanding of Marxist theory, you can read a bit of Mao or Stalin, who actually made some very nice essays explaining dialectical materialism and its application. You can look up lectures on Marx, I recommend David Harvey, Michael Hudson, and Richard Wolff. Just take it at your own pace, it's not like there's an exam to pass.
I recently picked up the 1986 book Prisoners of the American Dream by Mike Davis because someone posted the first page on twitter. Haven't read that much of it but based on what I have read it seems like a very approachable book for leftists looking to get into the reading.
Also on Hexbear's literature comm there's a post (https://hexbear.net/post/109424) directing one on how to access the 'Socialist Theory Reading Group' on the education site Perusall. The weekly reading group portion of that has fallen into disuse but the library has a bunch of archived PDFs that are all readily accessible and can be easily downloaded. For instance there's three titles I can see from Parenti, two from Chomsky, and The Jarkarta Method by Vincent Bevins.
The Perusall might not be the most user-friendly thing out there for a newbie looking for a beginner's reading list, but I just wanted to mention it.
I've read all three volumes of Capital, and I can confidently say reading it is something you should do eventually, but it would be counter productive to read it without already having a fairly good understanding of most of it's core concepts and having built up a tolerance for dry, difficult reading. Starting with it is the theory equivalent of trying to read Ulysses as your first novel or playing battletoads as your first videogame.
Also, I've talked to people who haven't read it in its entirety but definetly understand it better than I do.
There is a new translation of it into English that just came out that's supposed to be a lot easier to understand but I personally haven't checked it out yet.
Paul Reitter's recent translation is really good! I think it's a much more approachable translation for modern readers, and it's the only translation in English that's based on that last (4th) German edition of the book.
Having said that, my personal copy of Capital is from 1906 with some beautifully penciled marginalia from the comrade who originally owned it, and I can't bring myself to replace it or justify buying yet another copy just to loan out or reference corrections that were already penciled in to my copy in the margins.
That is so cool.