One of my friends is kind of traumatized from it. I’m fine, though I’m going to need a new blanket/sleeping bag because he was really cold and I let him cover up with my $80 sleeping bag, and, you see, one of the symptoms of precipitated opioid withdrawal is, you shit yourself. I’m not upset though. I’m going to make a fundraising post in /c/mutual_aid later to cover the cost of a new blanket or whatever, and if I raise enough money I’m going to kick him some.
You’re good. I never get offended by shit like that or think it’s inappropriate or selfish or whatever. The worst reaction I could have would be, me not caring/having the wherewithal to read something. Like my dealer sends me these walls of text about his life and shit and I don’t even read them a lot of times—what’s crazy is this is exactly how my ex-friend and I would interact, where I’m them and my dealer is me. Like because I was in love with them and didn’t know how to control my stupid emotions so I would twack out in paragraph over paragraph and it likely alienated them. I always think I’m just twacking out when I say that we have so much in common but we do.
Yeah I've driven so many people away over the years. I was really recently hurting from a similar loss that I genuinely don't understand and never will when I saw your posts about the ex-friend so yeah that shit was definitely a vibe and not a positive one.
I may have also just done it again with another friend in the last couple of weeks, (sometimes tweaked out) walls of stream of consciousness text cuz I have poor self control and rejection anxiety so I just sorta hope they'll pick up the conversation at some point. I've stopped though, I figure either they're going through some shit, either bad or good enough that they don't have time for me. It's cool. I've learned to accept this shit and just keep trying to be less intense and more mindful. Edit: and stopped doing stims lol.
I have 100% faith that everyone who's cut me off is better off for it. And I've made that a comfort rather than something to torture myself with.
It hurts so fucking much the way people treat me when I talk about them. Thank you.
I think that there’s a decent chance I’m not being delusional when I say I think they aren’t gone forever. They aren’t that petty—they said so themselves when I told them I was scared they wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore over something. And I can see why they wouldn’t want to be friends with me. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone as weird and annoying as I was. Plus I lied to them.
What hurts is being treated like a stalker, or just creepy.
The worst parts of all this are not knowing if they’re OK, and that they will spend the rest of their life thinking the world is all grey. I’m so deeply enamored and I so deeply admire them and I can’t stand the fact that I will never get to know them and be a part of their life, but those things take the back seat.
I feel you. I don't think it's overly dramatic to compare the loss of relationships like that to dealing with death. The grief process is real and people are so important to each other's sanity and sense of acceptability. I dunno my thoughts are muddled on this but my point with the death thing is, it always hurts but the pangs get further and further apart and we get more practiced at dealing with it as time goes on.
I can see how it would appear stalkerish or creepy to people who haven't experienced it, there's obviously an overlap of obsessive thinking and whatnot. But fuck it, you are/were just being honest and vulnerable. I kind of regret not affirming the validity of your experience sooner. I've never been that open and vulnerable about my losses except with a couple of very close people.
Anyway you saved a life today. I hope it helps you see how valuable you are, just as you are.