Yeah, today wasn't good. Dealing with people already stresses me out quite a bit, but a holiday based around binge eating definitely made me want to drink. I should have gained my anti-psychotic weight months ago, but I've refused to do so because I just want to drink to make myself vomit what I had just ate. See, alcohol functionally makes me bullemic with no real thought behind it. I don't have to make myself throw up or binge eat, I just do it with no second thought. Right now alcohol isn't really my main concern (even though I definitely am an alcoholic, I won't lie) it's this eating disorder.

I drank today because I wanted to throw up, and I think this is the moment that is gonna make me go to rehab. I absolutely refuse to do it during the holidays, I just got out of an abusive relationship and don't want to miss all the family holidays I missed being with her. I think I'm going to go in January. I need more help for my eating disorder than I do being a drunk, and that's saying something because I get help for being a drunk.