Friends used to come so easy, now I hang on for dear life to the two I’ve made over the past 4 years even if those people aren’t treating me great. Like, it’s sooooooo difficult to talk to family members about this because they chalk it up to anxiety and tell me I need medication when it’s not necessarily anxiety at all. I meet someone in an attempt to befriend them and check in on them occasionally, but I’m always the initiator

So I’m trying to determine if it’s even worth it anymore, ya know? I’ve always had a difficult time differentiating self-care with narcissistic tendencies and maybe I’m just caring too much about myself in this situation and should just not think too hard about it? I’m just very structure-oriented and when the structure breaks down, my world comes down with it, at least sometimes it feels like that.

Does anyone understand what I am trying to get at sometimes I suck at words

  • letsgo@lemm.ee
    ·
    3 days ago

    I know what you mean. I used to spend a lot of time going round to see other people, until it dawned on me that I was always the one making the effort and I started asking myself: are these people really my friends or are they just being nice and only tolerating my visits?

    Those I consider my true friends are the ones that come and see me from time to time. I don't care if it's equally balanced; it just has to happen "sometimes". Of course the number of friends I have dropped like a rock, but only if I considered as friends those who were just nice but would never otherwise bother with me.

    There's no way I'd stay friends with someone I felt didn't treat me well. I'd be to them one of those who is just nice but wouldn't otherwise bother.

    • ReadFanon [any, any]M
      ·
      3 days ago

      Better fewer but better, as some Russian dude once said.

      As a person who burns out hard and often, I'm probably not going to pop around and see you because either my life is collapsing right now or I'm in the process of rebuilding my life and furiously catching up on the things I was supposed to be doing during the previous collapse and before the next one hits. But if you're my friend then I'm going to remember what's going on in your life, I'm going to light up when I see you, and if you ever need a favour or help then I'm going to avail myself to you.

      I think your measure is a good one but I wanted to expand on it and to encourage people to think about the different ways that people can "do" friendship, especially in a neurodivergent way - ADHD people especially can just forget that you exist the moment you are out of their line of sight but that doesn't mean they don't consider you as a friend (and especially, that doesn't mean they don't treat you as a friend) it's just that their sieve-brain lets too many things slip through and they tend to get caught up in whatever's going on right now so they might not remember to pop in or even to reach out to you via messages but that doesn't equate to malice or a lack of friendship, it's just that ADHDers tend to "do" friendship kinda differently.

    • stigsbandit34z [they/them]
      ·
      3 days ago

      Very re-assuring and validating to see that the experience is not uncommon

      I’m not good with adjusting to rapidly changing situations either. Like I truly had no problem keeping friends in my life from ages 8-18, then shit definitely hit the fan when my 20s came around. I’ve only ever been able to make friends on dating apps (won’t even get into how there are no third spaces) which has always felt uncomfortable 🥴