Friends used to come so easy, now I hang on for dear life to the two I’ve made over the past 4 years even if those people aren’t treating me great. Like, it’s sooooooo difficult to talk to family members about this because they chalk it up to anxiety and tell me I need medication when it’s not necessarily anxiety at all. I meet someone in an attempt to befriend them and check in on them occasionally, but I’m always the initiator
So I’m trying to determine if it’s even worth it anymore, ya know? I’ve always had a difficult time differentiating self-care with narcissistic tendencies and maybe I’m just caring too much about myself in this situation and should just not think too hard about it? I’m just very structure-oriented and when the structure breaks down, my world comes down with it, at least sometimes it feels like that.
Does anyone understand what I am trying to get at sometimes I suck at words
Part of adult relationships is letting a friend go away for a while and resuming the relationship later when it's more convenient. Having a core set of people in your life is important, but understand that life gets hectic and people get caught up in their own day-to-day bullshit. It's okay to lose contact.
As someone in their 40's I can't tell you how many long time friends I have gone without talking to for years. Then one day I reach out on social media and we have a call or a lunch. It's like nothing changed and everything changed. Suddenly they are showing you pictures of their kids who are now headed to college when the last time you saw them they were starting school.
That's okay, you know? It just happens. When it does you accept it and when you get that meet-up later in life you relish over the catch-up. You get to see how they've (hopefully) flourished. You get to feel their excitement and pride as they share their accomplishments and triumphs. You do the same in return. And sometimes, they tell you about the struggles and you work through a little bit of trauma with them from a perspective that has diverged from their life but is intimate with who they are from the moment you went separate ways. You bring a new perspective wrapped in the comfort of an old friend. Or maybe they do this with you.
What I'm saying is that adult friendship involves a lot of the here and now because our lives get so busy. You start to befriend neighbors or the other parents at your kid's school (if you have any) or the people at your local fitness club. It's because you happen to share at least one thing in common or are just in proximity and enjoy chilling with that person. When you are raising kids, working a job, and doing you daily housework, you really stop finding the time to break outside your bubble and when you do, like to catch up with an old friend, it's a treat.
If that sounds bittersweet, it is because it is.
Really appreciate the kind and thoughtful response, comrade. Unfortunately however bittersweet it may be, that makes a lot of sense :( I fear for my future though because I’m not the best at picking up where we left off part, especially considering the fact that sometimes I forget people exist if I don’t hear from them for sometime you know?
There’s also the case of when I meet someone who is very closed off and a reflection of all the qualities that make me insecure about myself but has similar interests and a chill vibe. And usually the latter wins out because it keeps my attention longer than thinking about the reality of the former :/
I know what you mean. I used to spend a lot of time going round to see other people, until it dawned on me that I was always the one making the effort and I started asking myself: are these people really my friends or are they just being nice and only tolerating my visits?
Those I consider my true friends are the ones that come and see me from time to time. I don't care if it's equally balanced; it just has to happen "sometimes". Of course the number of friends I have dropped like a rock, but only if I considered as friends those who were just nice but would never otherwise bother with me.
There's no way I'd stay friends with someone I felt didn't treat me well. I'd be to them one of those who is just nice but wouldn't otherwise bother.
Better fewer but better, as some Russian dude once said.
As a person who burns out hard and often, I'm probably not going to pop around and see you because either my life is collapsing right now or I'm in the process of rebuilding my life and furiously catching up on the things I was supposed to be doing during the previous collapse and before the next one hits. But if you're my friend then I'm going to remember what's going on in your life, I'm going to light up when I see you, and if you ever need a favour or help then I'm going to avail myself to you.
I think your measure is a good one but I wanted to expand on it and to encourage people to think about the different ways that people can "do" friendship, especially in a neurodivergent way - ADHD people especially can just forget that you exist the moment you are out of their line of sight but that doesn't mean they don't consider you as a friend (and especially, that doesn't mean they don't treat you as a friend) it's just that their sieve-brain lets too many things slip through and they tend to get caught up in whatever's going on right now so they might not remember to pop in or even to reach out to you via messages but that doesn't equate to malice or a lack of friendship, it's just that ADHDers tend to "do" friendship kinda differently.
Very re-assuring and validating to see that the experience is not uncommon
I’m not good with adjusting to rapidly changing situations either. Like I truly had no problem keeping friends in my life from ages 8-18, then shit definitely hit the fan when my 20s came around. I’ve only ever been able to make friends on dating apps (won’t even get into how there are no third spaces) which has always felt uncomfortable 🥴
