Even when I get bouts of loneliness, the desire to make friends is quickly snuffed out when I proceed to think about all the effort it would take to not only go out and meet people, but how big of a pain in the ass it is to be a present friend who doesn't let connections just fade away.
Like, I know I'm capable of maintaining friendships if I care enough about someone, but in practice have neither interest nor energy enough to do it even when it's something I know I want in the abstract. None of my hobbies are really social in nature, so they haven't been a vector to meeting people I might actually be interested in knowing.
I was thinking this might just be a depression thing, but I've been like this my whole life, and the only close friends I've ever had were all a result of people intentionally becoming my friend, putting in all the initial effort until I became attached enough to care about staying friends. I do kinda feel like an asshole for this, like what kinda socialist is this much of a recluse? But I'm not really sure where I'd even start on working through this.
I've been grappling with this idea a lot in the past year after I decided that its one of the things I wanted to work on. And oh god is it fucking tough. Especially since it feels like everyone in my life that I want to stay in touch with seem to expect that I just won't put in the effort or don't want to stay connected.
Most of the friends I have made have been at work, so while we're working together it feels relatively effortless. Relatively because I'm still really reserved around people. One of the friends that I'm trying to reconnect with was someone who pretty much brute force made me open up to them lol. I'm exaggerating a bit, but he really had a way of getting people to open up. He used to walk with me on my way home with his gf, who also worked with us and I became friends with as well, and eventaully we started going around town for dinner. Then the pandemic hit and they weren't scheduled for work until they ended up just leaving for greener pastures. We don't really talk all that much anymore and I can't help but think that I should really put in more effort into reaching out. But I also start thinking about whether or not people really want to talk with me.
I've also recently tried reconnecting with someone else that I used to work closely with and we also became really good friends, but in spite of my best efforts it just feels like she doesn't really want to reconnect. I don't want to just give up because I'd feel worse for it.