The pressure of the ongoing long train of personal hypocrisy is mounting towards a zenith. Standing up for what's right means going against the grain when this is necessary, and going against the grain when necessary means making a scene when this is necessary. Yet in too many situations where all due considerations call for making a scene, I fail to do so, leaving me feeling disgusted with myself, like a servile lackey who cannot withstand even the slightest bit of outside pressure. I worry what will happen, then, when the mounting pressure of my hypocrisy does meet its zenith, and in any case this situation is completely unsustainable and needs to be ended as soon as possible for my own sake and for the sake of all the creatures of the Earth.
Yet I still feel completely lost as to how to actually address this fatal character flaw, after trying to solve it for years, and so I would like anyone's advice. Others' advice probably won't be of much help, but it's still probably better than nothing.
Sent from Mdewakanton Dakota lands / Sept. 29 1837
Treaty with the Sioux of September 29th, 1837
"We Will Talk of Nothing Else": Dakota Interpretations of the Treaty of 1837
You have a strong insistence on decorum/propriety. Or as psychologists might measure it, a 9th decile of Agreeability. This is a good trait, but not everybody deserves it.
In my life I've found that the more genuine and supportive friends I have around me, the easier it is to chase away the constant fear of isolation.
Some of it is a matter of habituation. You won't go straight to "making a scene" without having a bit of experience contesting things and asserting yourself at lower stakes. Everything has to be built up; it's very rare that a full-fledged capacity appears out of nowhere.